December 21, 2010

34 weeks pregnant, A 2 year marriage, and a partridge in a pear tree

On sunday, John and I celebrated 2 years of marriage. 2! it seems like I blinked during our last anniversary dinner, and here we are again. I was really sick and stayed home from church, and it was a lame anniversary (neither of us planned anything- we're both to blame), but be are gearing up for some pretty big things in the next 6 weeks to come (which is probably why the anniversary got put on the back burner)

I celebrate my 34th week of pregnancy this week! 

I'm feeling stronger movements- he's not gentle. they are, however, less frequent. he's run out of room, and i can only pray that my due date was mis-calculated and that he's not just going to be an 11 pounder! 6 more weeks.... 6 more weeks.... 6 more weeks.

Christmas is coming! i never thought i would get so excited about it.  John's parents will be in Utah for christmas,and mine are in florida so this is the best time to come up with our own traditions and activities.

 this trimester has been really challenging. I am really sensitive- more so than I was in before pregnancy. Especially about my size. 
yesterday, I went to the vegetable stand, and the dude that was bagging my groceries decided to completely remove his social filter and announce " Damn! you look like you're about ready to POP!" I immediately felt my face get hot with rage. but instead of lashing out at this guy, I decided to make him feel like an idiot.
So i replied " .....nnoooooo. what are you talking about?" with a look of confusion on my face. " how many months are you? you look like you're about done." he continues. So I cleverly say. "Ummm... i'm carrying twins." and the look on his face was priceless. he tries desperately to sputter out an apology "i'm, I'm.... sorry, i didn't meant to... uh, Sorry...." but i cut him off saying " just for future reference, it's really not a wise thing to talk to a pregnant woman about her size." and I walked away. hearing a faint, "sorry" from his direction. but I walked out with a huge smile on my face. I'm actually pretty amazed i didn't cry about it afterward. 

But in other news, John made it through finals and is working full time at General Dynamics over the break. I made it to winter break for MPS- two weeks off! I'm looking forward to all the little projects i need to complete around the house. 

Everyday, I get more and more amazed at the blessed life we lead. I have a job that gives me greater satisfactions than the frustrations that go along with it.
I have a husband, though very flawed, adores me, and is excited to become a father to our child. He has listened to my problems and has literally been my emotional waste dump. he's encouraged me, and even pushed me the hardest to be the best [pregnant] person I can be. We have received so many kindnesses and gifts from others that might as well be strangers. we got everything we need for the baby without spending any of our own money. And because of that, We were able to pay our midwife in FULL out of our own pocket without going into debt. 

The lord loves us, and we try not to forget to love him back.
may you also feel of his unconditional love this christmas season.

      Merry Christmas!!!!

November 26, 2010

thirty weeks on thanksgiving

I am thankful for this baby.
I am thankful that he is healthy and we have had no problems sharing.
I am thankful for my sweet husband who has put up with the weepy me.
I am thankful for our home, and for the opportunity I will have to bring this sweet boy into the world within the comfortable confines of our home. 
I am thankful for long distance calls so I can get a grip on reality through mom-talks.
I am grateful that we don't have much. It keeps our life simple.

November 6, 2010

Change is gonna come

Autumn is here, and will shortly be gone. It will be winter before We know it.
Huge changes in my life are about to take place, including ones that I cannot see.
But I know that they are there. I am one of those few people who get warm and fuzzy at the thought of change-it doesn't scare me. It makes me want to be prepared. It's a sign that I am growing.

The arrival of our son, and the transition from being a married couple to a family, will be the biggest change we will face this year. This, makes me VERY excited.

Not many people know this, but after many days, and three semesters of being direly unhappy, John has changed his Major at ASU. He was in his junior year, studying to become a Biomedical Engineer. Next fall, he will be in his junior year (again) at ASU, studying to become a High school science teacher. That's right. Secondary Education in chemistry. It's taken our plans for the future on a ride. But I can say that the changes in our home life have been mostly positive. He's not nearly as stressed, and is therefore a much nicer person, and a more understanding and caring husband. I have my summertime John during school-what a treat!

My job at longfellow Elementary will surely come to an end with the arrival of summertime. That, my friends, is going to be very difficult. It took me a lot of months to find this job. It took me a lot of minutes to love it- frustrations and all. Being a stay-at-home mom, is going to be a HUGE change. But I have a few projects up my sleeve to keep myself sane.

Eventually, we will be selling our house, and moving to another state. THIS makes me excited, although it's far off from now (far off, meaning in year and a half at the very least). We are pretty much set on oregon becoming our new home- where we plant our livelihood and our roots, permanently. I love living on the coast, wether it's east or west.

I have also been making some personal changes. the things that motivate me are changing, My habits, my thought process. things that have become lost are becoming found again.

change is good.

October 26, 2010

ooh.... glasses!

Yesterday I pulled into the driveway after a long day at work, and noticed that my house key was NOT on my keyring. I cried, but I got to hang out with my husband at his job until he clocked out. John asked me to DJ the drive home, so I put on some Rascal Flatts  and we were pretty quiet, just listening to the words and getting into the mood of the song. we come to a stop light and I randomly look over and see a man in the bike lane next to us, waiting for the light to turn green. He happened to be wearing shorts, and his legs were clearly visible. Without a second thought about the romance that was blossoming in the car, I stupidly and publicly observed "MAN..... that guy has AMAZING calves!" mood killed? for sure. *smacks forehead*  Good job, Tessa. Sometimes my thoughts come out my mouth and they get me in trouble. For instance, the time I told John " I would totally marry you" and " I can't wait to be a mom."

if you haven't heard of David Thorne please take the opportunity to seek him out. I read some of his stuff and laughed SO HARD that I made that old man wheezing sound, and cried. SO if you need a pick me up because a 2nd grader is being a lazy reader and wasting your time- look him up. this one is probably my favorite. A word of caution: filter read the first few sentences before embarking on any piece. he does get a little raunchy.

John has been really quick with his wit lately, and getting a genuine, hearty laugh out of me in place of a laugh that was uttered out of pity. this evening it was " DALTON! MOVE YOUR FAT BUTT!" I Laughed so hard, not at just the way he said it, but that he said it in the first place. he said "what's so funny?" I said "his butt isn't even fat!"  He concluded " It's fatter than mine!" so I said "honey, it's not hard to have a butt fatter than yours." he then agreed by saying " a Matchstick has a fatter butt than I do."

precious. He makes me more proud everyday.

It was a real treat to be alive this week

Monday: We had An AWESOME family home evening lesson on worthy music that ended up in a short dance party to this song.

Tuesday: The weather was incredible!
I got a surprising phone call from an old friend
Got my house clean again

Wednesday: went to joann fabric store with My friend to get some stuff for my baby shower.
My old friend came to visit! We love you Hermana Ghan!

Thursday: went to help put up christmas lights at the Mesa temple, and I am STILL kicking myself for forgetting the camera.
we were also able to be a part of a surprise party for our friend, Ryan.

Friday: It was friday. How could it get any better?

Saturday: My baby shower! I feel blessed to have had my expectations exceeded.
thank you to all who came! And thank you Jen for doing such a great job!

"RoAR" means hello

October 16, 2010


I've been coming up with yummy stuff in the kitchen.
I was inspired by a cooking show hosted by This guy. (love him)
what's in it is : simple. potatoes, onions, carrots, salt, pepper
Not simple: smashed garlic cloves, marjoram, balsamic vinegar, butter, oil, rosemary, parsley.
Zingy and delish.
Ask me how I did it. 


John turned 24.
I made cupcakes for his softball team. 
it's a tradition that we try to get candles all into one cupcake, and he's now 24- that was a whole box of candles! next year, I'm going to have to make a bigger cupcake!

Dalton is getting more people food than normal.
one night we came home and found that he had somehow gotten into the fridge. I swear this dog has magic powers. one of us must have left it open enough for him to be able to do the rest. the worst part was that he ate the Potatoes photographed above. I didn't even care that he ate the bacon that was in the fridge, and threw up twice. I cried. Well, I guess I cry about most things anyway, but I was really upset.
John spilled a container of vegetable soup, and it seeped under the fridge. 
Who needs a mop?


I'm Huger. Yes, huger is a word. 24 weeks huger.
We also picked out a name for this little surprise.
Paxton Hardy Meyers
how cute is that? I can call him Pax- which I think is awesome.

Paxton's room is starting to come together.....slowly

I've got five of the white cube shelves that I'm hanging in his room.
His crib is all set up and the furniture looks great.

and here is the bookcase and photo board john made, along with other decorative items.


I have been trying to take more pictures, So I was lame and took pictures of John cutting down our neighbor's tree.

John says "safety first"
He's cute. I Think I might keep him.

September 14, 2010

I never want to paint again.

On labor day we had a painting party. I decided that trying to get the baby's room done during the holidays didn't sound the least bit appealing- so we did some planning to get it done by halloween.

our first project was covering our old cork board and turning it into a photo holder- john ended up doing all of it :)

 the fabric reminded me of the lettuce in Mr. Mcgregor's Garden (the nursery theme is peter rabbit, My FAVORITE children's book as a kid)

We painted the nursery

the guest bathroom

                                                                                 and did a much needed makeover on some furniture- REALLY labor intensive. we haven't even started on the crib yet.
Before: blue and yucky      

After: Fabulous

I vow to not make this a blog all about my pregnancy

but my next post WILL be about the beginnings of the baby's room festivities and probably a picture of my thinning face ( yes!) and growing belly. (woo!)

Some other happenings in our household have been:
1. Summer ending
2. Me going back to work (with benefits-score!)
3. John going back to school and work at ASU
4. Me working franticly with the primary for primary presentation
5. having a more organized and CLEAN life/schedule/home

 these things make us VERY happy.

REALLY exciting thing #2

those of you who visit facebook regularly already know this, but John and I found out on thursday that we are having a baby boy! Hooray boy!

his first glamour shots
i could have made some money off of him because I had MANY co-workers demanding that they KNEW it was a girl, and bet money on it. It's too bad it's against my religion.

the ultrasound tech said " it's pretty obvious, and not much of a guess, because THAT (pointing) is the umbilical cord, and THAT, is not."
yes, yes, our son is well endowed :) wouldn't it be just HILARIOUS if it ended up being a girl after all this penis talk? HAHAHAHA! Along with finding a penis, they measured his development at 21 weeks instead of the 19 we originally calculated with our midwife. We'll see if she pushes my due date back, which I would LOVE. We don't have a name yet, and probably won't until we get to meet him- but we have several that we like. I am so so very excited, and i feel extremely blessed to have had this phenomenal pregnancy. HALF WAY THERE! woo hoo!

exciting thing #1

We got a new vacuum.
most of you probably didn't know this, but Dalton's electrocution accident left us with a fried vacuum, and we had been borrowing the in-laws' every week since I was 8 weeks pregnant. But oh, was it worth it:

introducing the newest member of our family: the Dyson Ball.  Ha-cha-cha!
after using it ONCE i remember making the crude comment of  "Damn! this thing sucks like a blond prostitute!" It's almost inconvenient how powerful this thing is. 
It's even light enough for me to carry upstairs by myself:) 
Hooray, vacuum!

July 19, 2010

Dear big bird

Hi honey. I just wanted to say thank you for making my first trimester pretty wonderful. It'll all be over next monday- and you'll be 13 weeks old. You were such a surprise! I didn't throw up once, and my energy levels stayed at a functioning level, even though i did my fair share of complaining. I was pretty worried that you were just a figment of my imagination, and that you were not really inside my tummy, or that you didn't want to be there and decided to leave before you were supposed to. but you ARE! I heard your heartbeat for the first time today. it was SO STRONG. your daddy was smiling at me the whole time while we listened to the whoosing sound of your little heart. You did your fair share of kicking, too! I am so excited to start feeling you move around. I promise to keep you as safe in my tummy as best as i can. I hope you look like your daddy. Even if you are a girl.
I never imagined how I would feel when I started thinking about becoming a mother, but I am so happy you decided to happen when you did. Your midwife is such a neat lady. We are excited to involve her in this precious time in our lives. So baby, just keep doin' your baby thing, and feel free to grow grow grow the best that you know how.
                                                        We love you already,

                                                                      mommy and Daddy

July 13, 2010


That's my name for them anyway.
Yesterday I had a SERIOUS case of what felt like pre-mature PMS.

We had a big giant family home evening with the Meyers that are in mesa, and the Meyers that came down from UT for a week. I was glad to see them, but the smallest things set me off.

 hopefully these scenarios find your funny bone as they did mine this morning. apparently I have this alter-ego. She's a deep south redneck. very similar to a florida cracker. I call her "beulah" my mom has one just like her. so come and slip on my hormonal coke-bottle glasses.

I walk in the door at 6:30 and dish myself some dinner as we were apologizing for being late, and then somebody chimes in " yeah, dinner was like.. an HOUR ago". 

 beulah: well NO SHEEIT, sherlawk. Do we really owe YOU an explan-a-Shien? I don' thank so.
  Me:  I say nothing.

an in-law walks into the house hacking their brains out. he was in the hospital for two days with pneumonia this past week. the poor guy. I'm sitting on the couch, and the guy starts coughing while standing over me. he has his mouth covered but....

beulah: " DUDE. what in the HAIL do you thank yer doin? yer prak-tik-lee coughin' raght in muh face, and you were in the hospital TWO days ago with kin-tay-jus NUH moan yuh. you got any brains at all? yew could put ME inna hospital, you AYUSSHOWL!"

me: I give a slight wince, and discreetly scoot towards the edge of the couch to "rub" my feet.

When asked where he might have gotten sick from....

Beulah: " SEAREEUHSLY? have you BEE-YEN to their hause? that place is a day-um health hazerd! they make sanford and son's luk like better homes and gardens"

Me: I act genuinely interested, but say nothing.

A nephew brought a friend to FHE....

Beulah: "that kid's ugly and annoyin' as hail."

me: I give him a rice crispy treat.

A nephew sits next to me on the couch....

Beulah: " um.... did I SAY you could sit there? yer feet smell like they have been up your ayuss ALL DAY"

me: " hey (insert name here). how are you?"

luckily, beulah is more thought than heard publicly. She makes her public appearences every so often, mostly when I get really mad.
Beulah takes no crap from anyone, is NEVER afraid to speak her mind, and she is perfectly content with giving little old ladies the finger when they cut her off in traffic.

June 5, 2010

not sure how this happened

but this is what my house seems to enjoy looking like :(

it's funny, I used to think this was the worst i've let it get. These are just the pictures I'm willing to share.
It looks as though dalton is anti-recycling. 
i asked john if i could get a maid and he laughed at me.
I need some help! I'm not feeling very good lately and have lost ALL motivation to get anything done. 
I need to see if these ladies will take a house call

'cause my house sure fits their qualifications!
(google: how clean is your house?)

May 24, 2010

sleep- journaling

This picture was not posed. john ACTUALLY found me like this. Drool and everything :

I've been trying so hard to write in my journal regularly. Does it show?  

May 19, 2010

It's summertime and the living is... easy?

I just thought I would type up a quick update for all to read. I'm giving this blog a makeover. so don't be surprised of some of my bitter stuff goes missing. this blog was intended to be for the two of us anyway.....
I think my parents would like to see what is going on in my life. So I thought i would finally let them.

First and foremost:

Recent picture of the happy couple. I call this one " john 'hancock' and the beached whale" Enjoy.
We really need to start taking more pictures:(
AS you can see, i'm still not at a healthy weight. I think there could be some medical things interfering with my weight loss, But I'm trying not to think about it.
I'm eating very little meat and almost no dairy. I still  seem to just be maintaining my 150.

As of last tuesday, John Is DONE with school for the year! PrAiSe the gods! I love having my prince charming back. He is now working at General dynamics full-time over the summer and, might I add, has become indispensable to the company. WAY TO WORK BABE! I am so proud of all the work you do to keep our family together.

My last day of work for MPS Will be on May 27th, and then I go back for summer school ( which I am SO grateful for) for the month of june. I miraculously landed a job at the GAP in tempe marketplace starting next week (also, VERY grateful for) I'm also looking for tutoring jobs and house cleaning jobs I can get my hands on. I think that would be something I  will continue doing if I don't get my job back at MPS. I plan on working my tail off this summer so we can horde money. if my calculations are correct, we will make around 10,000 just for this summer.(exciting) I am so grateful to Heavenly father that we will be able to save it all minus our mandatory expenses. I LOVE having ZERO debt.

John lost his scholarship, so we won't have an excess of scholarship leftovers anymore. Thankfully, he still will receive enough grants, that he still won't have to pay for school ( also, VERY, VERY grateful for) Heavenly father is taking good care of us financially, due to our strong testimonies of tithing.

AS for me, i'm enjoying Mental stability, my beautiful home, my little family, and all the small joys and miracles we encounter daily.

March 6, 2010

what's new, pussycat?

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.....

anyway...... sorry bout' that.
let's see. john and I finally got our blasted stimulus money- 6 months late.

that was a real treat. it's nice not to be desperately poor anymore.

we got a dog for my birthday.

I love this dog! Dalton is a human trapped in a dog's  body. A needy child to be exact. He's a beagle around 8 years old. the first 2 weeks were rough trying to adapt to him, and him to us. john got pretty frustrated and wanted to take him back, but I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said "you're nOT taking MY dog!" things are doing MUCH better now. We love him SO much. he's perfect for our family.

I started taking a drawing class this semester, and my first portfolio got an A! woo hoo!

One point perspective. Graphite pencil on drawing paper.

2 point perspective. graphite pencil on drawing paper.

  multi-point perspective still life. graphite pencil on drawing paper.

Sighting and surface mapping still life. Graphite and charcoal pencils on drawing paper.

the still life I referenced

not too shabby, eh?

contour drawings in my sketchbook

spray bottle

one of my shoes

sorry- you are going to have to tilt your head sideways to see these next ones.
this is one of our lamps.

dalton's chew toy that he never plays with.....

my first piece working with charcoal using sighting and triangulation techniques.

value and tone- charcoal and conte' crayon on drawing paper

i'm not exactly sure how this ended up being upside down, but you can tell it's a tree, right?
I was getting a feel for the charcoal on my own in my sketchbook- at first it looked like broccoli, and then progressed to pubic hair, but i think I like the way it turned out.

one more thing:

 my mental health treatment has been completed. my counselor closed my file on friday:)
I cried like a baby.

March 5, 2010

The art of Pooping

I have the strangest fear of toilets. Especially the ones at my work.

Last year, the main building had clogged plumbing, and the kindergarten room I worked in, was in the main building. one day in april, right around easter, I felt that nature was about to call, and she wasn't very happy, so i excused myself to use the faculty bathroom. I walk through the lounge, turn the corner, and there was an out of order sign on the bathroom door. So i hightailed it out of there, thinking maybe i could get the key to the other bathroom across campus from my supervisor. She kindly suggested that i just use the bathroom that was in the classroom- the bathroom that she always uses, so it's always clean. So, I took her up on her offer. Before, I used to just not liking to use a shared bathroom because I 'm afraid i'll leave a toxic smell, and that would embarrass the heck out of me. So, I used to flush immediatley after I felt I had
"emptied" all that i had. I did it on this particular day. Not a great idea. I was lucky the poop flushed all the way down. but it was still flushing, and i hadn't wiped yet. flushing.....flushing.... this can't be good. I'm not even sure I did a quality job of cleaning up, but I jumped off that toilet and zipped my pants faster than humanly possible, and RAN out of the bathroom screaming as the contents of the toilets poured out onto the ground like a fountain. My classroom and the one next door were flooded with 2 inches of water in 5 minutes. the playground right outside the door looked as though it had been irrigated. MORTIFYING. i will NEVER ever be afraid of my poop smelling up the whole bathroom ever again!
I have bigger fears now, but i have found a way to manage them. I close and lock the door to the bathroom. I do my business, and try to use as little toilet paper as possible in the process. I wash and dry my hands, unlock the door, flush with my foot, and racewalk out of the lounge before i can take resposiblity for the smell, or the flood.

January 29, 2010

now what?

I think in "blog" now. isn't that somethin?

I'm fresh out of hateful gossip, cruel childhood memories and humorous stories.
So i'm just going to give the information people actually WANT to hear.
I dunno, maybe after this post, someone might beg me to go back to the offensive swear-word swamped contention I am so famous for.

but for now, I'll stick with the UPDATES.

John just started his 2nd semester of his 2 year at ASU. So far, he's enjoying his schedule, which i am also enjoying. This semester's 16 credit hours are much better than last semester's 16 (lol) . He Is also working at the Tech studio on campus repairing laptops and such. Over the winter break he went back to work for CSC, the company that does the tech work for general Dynamics in scottsdale. General dynamics is a military defense contractor. he's such a computer whiz. I actually know who he is now! the last 4 months were so awful. 4 classes and 4 labs. Disgusting. And on top of it, 10 hours of work when he needed to study. I am so grateful he passed all his classes. I would have died if he had to take any over again. DIED. He is elder's quorum secretary in our ward. That's all I can say about that. I guess he likes it alright. No complaints from his end. John is still doing his internship at the BIOdesign institute at ASU. He really enjoys working in the lab. He's been doing research in photosynthesis- making mutated bacteria to further study natural energy. he likes it quite a bit.

As for me, I just got a job with mesa public schools as a reading intervention assistant/ kindergarten aid. I have been out of a job for 8 months, so this whole schedule thing is really bizzare. I'm waiting for ashton Kutcher to pop out of nowhere and say that i've been punked, and that I don't really have the job. It's been a real blessing. I, too, am in school. Back in school as an honest to goodness, for real, fully-enrolled student at MCC. It's been 10 years, so this whole "school" thing is way bizarre as well. I am enjoyin my class, and I'm getting closer to making friends. I LOVE my professor. She totally fits the stereotype of an art teacher. she has a great sense of humor, and is so resilient,. she's not way out in left field or anything. It's good. Hopefully I will still like drawing by the end of this class, and i'll stick with it. It could be the thing that I do in my spare time. something i could be passionate about. We'll see. I started cleaning house for a little old lady in my ward. Her granddaughter and her granddaughter's husband are living with her, but she can manage just fine without them. this lady could break in half if I blew on her, but she is as sharp as a tack. I enjoy going over there. I just had my 20th birthday. It seems so weird. I'm just 20? not older? i feel old. my insides are old. I'm primary chorister in the ward, and the confidence i once had in myself is all but non-existent. I had a nasty experience with my pianist, which has done a lot of damage to me. I probably should talk to the president about it, but i'm starting to NOT like what i do, instead of be excited like I was at the beginning. i'm still seeing a counselor. i'm getting to a healthy place, which is good. I don't like it when i'm not. I chopped my hair off. I've decided that i don't like my hair long.

John and I are taking an institute class together, which we are enjoying.
We have been living in our house for almost 5 months now. it's the best!
We love the ward we are in. We are adopting a beautiful beagle boy! we can't wait to have him in our home! it should fill the childless void for at least another year. Kindergarten and primary help quite a bit too. i refuse to get pregnant because it's REALLY popular right now. Is it wrong that i feel just a LITLLE bit pressured, and maybe even a little jealous?. I'm a non conformist. i'm going to wait until after all these fetuses have been around for a while, and then I get to be an original. no body will say, "that doesn't surprise me, EVERYONE is having babies these days" when I tell them the news.
Heck naw.  we are doing well. just waiting for our stimulus package to get here so we can get our car repaired or get a new one. ANYWAY..... done flapping my jaw for now. I'm getting real tired. time to say goodnight.
Good night.

January 19, 2010

Goliath Dolphin

I made my first real enemy on sunday. it was at church. the worst and most unlikely place to make an enemy.
I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, but I normally don't care, and can be cordial to them.
I define "enemy" as being a person that doesn't like me, but that i don't like right back. 100 fold.
I stood up for myself when this person crossed me. I used to let people walk all over me. not this person. I declared my rights as as a human being to her face, and now, i swear i'm going to have nightmares about her, cause i can't stop re-playing it in my head.
i've already imagined a plot or two.

There she'll be, pulling into our empty covered parking space in a beat-up pontiac.
Wearing one of those faux fur capes she bought at a 50's specialty thrift shop. it's funny, imagine her being dressed more fabulous than she ACTUALLY dresses in real life.
She walks through our gate un-invited. i just Happen to be home alone, cooking dinner for my husband.
It's dark outside, and my kitchen blinds are shut tight. She knocks softly. I walk nervously to the door, knife in hand. "who in the world could this be?' i wonder.
I open the door to find HER, with that all too familiar, annoying, smart-ass, know-it -all smirk on her face.

"Can i help you?" i would say with sincerity. maybe she came to apologize. But still, my instincts tell me differently, and i grip my kitchen knife tighter.

no words. Just a small revolver, pulled swiftly out of her canvas primary bag, and pointed at my face.
i open my mouth to scream, but she pulles the trigger before any sound can come out. BANG!
I fall limply to the floor, thinking, "oh HELL naw"
but the damage was done. i'm laying there, on my dining room floor. Door wide open, and a bullet lodged in my nasal cavity... All before 7:00. That bitch. Now my pork loin is going to get dry.

Blood pools fro my head, and SHE walks away like it was as easy as playing popcorn popping.

I tried to cut my plot off there. i don't really want to know what happens when i'm found. or how i get found, for that matter.
 i still re-play this scene several times a day.
it makes me live each day like my last, so i'm kind of grateful for it.

January 10, 2010


I am a deep thinker.
Always have been. Always will be.
I think too much.
I get exhausted. my mind stays at 500 mph.
 I will think myself to death.
My therapist advises me: "meditate. focus on the now".
Daydreaming is an addiction, I tell her.


I don't know what it is; but it works.
rhythmic, stroke-like movements.
constant noise, blocking out all possibilities of thought.
 vibration of the handle buzzing in my hand.
 making straight lines in the carpet.
Thoughtless, instant gratification.
soothing. I understand now, why I could sleep through it as a baby
I just wish I had more carpet.