January 29, 2010

now what?

I think in "blog" now. isn't that somethin?

I'm fresh out of hateful gossip, cruel childhood memories and humorous stories.
So i'm just going to give the information people actually WANT to hear.
I dunno, maybe after this post, someone might beg me to go back to the offensive swear-word swamped contention I am so famous for.

but for now, I'll stick with the UPDATES.

John just started his 2nd semester of his 2 year at ASU. So far, he's enjoying his schedule, which i am also enjoying. This semester's 16 credit hours are much better than last semester's 16 (lol) . He Is also working at the Tech studio on campus repairing laptops and such. Over the winter break he went back to work for CSC, the company that does the tech work for general Dynamics in scottsdale. General dynamics is a military defense contractor. he's such a computer whiz. I actually know who he is now! the last 4 months were so awful. 4 classes and 4 labs. Disgusting. And on top of it, 10 hours of work when he needed to study. I am so grateful he passed all his classes. I would have died if he had to take any over again. DIED. He is elder's quorum secretary in our ward. That's all I can say about that. I guess he likes it alright. No complaints from his end. John is still doing his internship at the BIOdesign institute at ASU. He really enjoys working in the lab. He's been doing research in photosynthesis- making mutated bacteria to further study natural energy. he likes it quite a bit.

As for me, I just got a job with mesa public schools as a reading intervention assistant/ kindergarten aid. I have been out of a job for 8 months, so this whole schedule thing is really bizzare. I'm waiting for ashton Kutcher to pop out of nowhere and say that i've been punked, and that I don't really have the job. It's been a real blessing. I, too, am in school. Back in school as an honest to goodness, for real, fully-enrolled student at MCC. It's been 10 years, so this whole "school" thing is way bizarre as well. I am enjoyin my class, and I'm getting closer to making friends. I LOVE my professor. She totally fits the stereotype of an art teacher. she has a great sense of humor, and is so resilient,. she's not way out in left field or anything. It's good. Hopefully I will still like drawing by the end of this class, and i'll stick with it. It could be the thing that I do in my spare time. something i could be passionate about. We'll see. I started cleaning house for a little old lady in my ward. Her granddaughter and her granddaughter's husband are living with her, but she can manage just fine without them. this lady could break in half if I blew on her, but she is as sharp as a tack. I enjoy going over there. I just had my 20th birthday. It seems so weird. I'm just 20? not older? i feel old. my insides are old. I'm primary chorister in the ward, and the confidence i once had in myself is all but non-existent. I had a nasty experience with my pianist, which has done a lot of damage to me. I probably should talk to the president about it, but i'm starting to NOT like what i do, instead of be excited like I was at the beginning. i'm still seeing a counselor. i'm getting to a healthy place, which is good. I don't like it when i'm not. I chopped my hair off. I've decided that i don't like my hair long.

John and I are taking an institute class together, which we are enjoying.
We have been living in our house for almost 5 months now. it's the best!
We love the ward we are in. We are adopting a beautiful beagle boy! we can't wait to have him in our home! it should fill the childless void for at least another year. Kindergarten and primary help quite a bit too. i refuse to get pregnant because it's REALLY popular right now. Is it wrong that i feel just a LITLLE bit pressured, and maybe even a little jealous?. I'm a non conformist. i'm going to wait until after all these fetuses have been around for a while, and then I get to be an original. no body will say, "that doesn't surprise me, EVERYONE is having babies these days" when I tell them the news.
Heck naw.  we are doing well. just waiting for our stimulus package to get here so we can get our car repaired or get a new one. ANYWAY..... done flapping my jaw for now. I'm getting real tired. time to say goodnight.
Good night.

January 19, 2010

Goliath Dolphin

I made my first real enemy on sunday. it was at church. the worst and most unlikely place to make an enemy.
I'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like me, but I normally don't care, and can be cordial to them.
I define "enemy" as being a person that doesn't like me, but that i don't like right back. 100 fold.
I stood up for myself when this person crossed me. I used to let people walk all over me. not this person. I declared my rights as as a human being to her face, and now, i swear i'm going to have nightmares about her, cause i can't stop re-playing it in my head.
i've already imagined a plot or two.

There she'll be, pulling into our empty covered parking space in a beat-up pontiac.
Wearing one of those faux fur capes she bought at a 50's specialty thrift shop. it's funny, imagine her being dressed more fabulous than she ACTUALLY dresses in real life.
She walks through our gate un-invited. i just Happen to be home alone, cooking dinner for my husband.
It's dark outside, and my kitchen blinds are shut tight. She knocks softly. I walk nervously to the door, knife in hand. "who in the world could this be?' i wonder.
I open the door to find HER, with that all too familiar, annoying, smart-ass, know-it -all smirk on her face.

"Can i help you?" i would say with sincerity. maybe she came to apologize. But still, my instincts tell me differently, and i grip my kitchen knife tighter.

no words. Just a small revolver, pulled swiftly out of her canvas primary bag, and pointed at my face.
i open my mouth to scream, but she pulles the trigger before any sound can come out. BANG!
I fall limply to the floor, thinking, "oh HELL naw"
but the damage was done. i'm laying there, on my dining room floor. Door wide open, and a bullet lodged in my nasal cavity... All before 7:00. That bitch. Now my pork loin is going to get dry.

Blood pools fro my head, and SHE walks away like it was as easy as playing popcorn popping.

I tried to cut my plot off there. i don't really want to know what happens when i'm found. or how i get found, for that matter.
 i still re-play this scene several times a day.
it makes me live each day like my last, so i'm kind of grateful for it.

January 10, 2010


I am a deep thinker.
Always have been. Always will be.
I think too much.
I get exhausted. my mind stays at 500 mph.
 I will think myself to death.
My therapist advises me: "meditate. focus on the now".
Daydreaming is an addiction, I tell her.


I don't know what it is; but it works.
rhythmic, stroke-like movements.
constant noise, blocking out all possibilities of thought.
 vibration of the handle buzzing in my hand.
 making straight lines in the carpet.
Thoughtless, instant gratification.
soothing. I understand now, why I could sleep through it as a baby
I just wish I had more carpet.