Horror-moans

That's my name for them anyway.
Yesterday I had a SERIOUS case of what felt like pre-mature PMS.

We had a big giant family home evening with the Meyers that are in mesa, and the Meyers that came down from UT for a week. I was glad to see them, but the smallest things set me off.

 hopefully these scenarios find your funny bone as they did mine this morning. apparently I have this alter-ego. She's a deep south redneck. very similar to a florida cracker. I call her "beulah" my mom has one just like her. so come and slip on my hormonal coke-bottle glasses.

I walk in the door at 6:30 and dish myself some dinner as we were apologizing for being late, and then somebody chimes in " yeah, dinner was like.. an HOUR ago". 

 beulah: well NO SHEEIT, sherlawk. Do we really owe YOU an explan-a-Shien? I don' thank so.
  Me:  I say nothing.

an in-law walks into the house hacking their brains out. he was in the hospital for two days with pneumonia this past week. the poor guy. I'm sitting on the couch, and the guy starts coughing while standing over me. he has his mouth covered but....

beulah: " DUDE. what in the HAIL do you thank yer doin? yer prak-tik-lee coughin' raght in muh face, and you were in the hospital TWO days ago with kin-tay-jus NUH moan yuh. you got any brains at all? yew could put ME inna hospital, you AYUSSHOWL!"

me: I give a slight wince, and discreetly scoot towards the edge of the couch to "rub" my feet.

When asked where he might have gotten sick from....

Beulah: " SEAREEUHSLY? have you BEE-YEN to their hause? that place is a day-um health hazerd! they make sanford and son's luk like better homes and gardens"

Me: I act genuinely interested, but say nothing.

A nephew brought a friend to FHE....

Beulah: "that kid's ugly and annoyin' as hail."

me: I give him a rice crispy treat.

A nephew sits next to me on the couch....

Beulah: " um.... did I SAY you could sit there? yer feet smell like they have been up your ayuss ALL DAY"

me: " hey (insert name here). how are you?"

luckily, beulah is more thought than heard publicly. She makes her public appearences every so often, mostly when I get really mad.
Beulah takes no crap from anyone, is NEVER afraid to speak her mind, and she is perfectly content with giving little old ladies the finger when they cut her off in traffic.


Comments

  1. So did ANY of this actually make it out loud or was it all in thought? I just laughed so hard I hurt my throat. Betcha didn't know you could even do that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. fortunately, the only time it was heard out loud was in the car on the way home. poor John, he hears more of my uncensored side than anyone should. Laughed so hard you hurt your throat, eh? I don't think i have ever done that, but I believe it can happen.

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  3. This is hilarious! You crack me up!!

    ReplyDelete

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