December 30, 2011


Celebrating a new year has become increasingly more sentimental to me as I have gotten older. I always make a list of resolutions for the new year. The list is really big this year. It went something like this:

Make the dean's list this semester
Remember birthdays
send handwritten letters
take more pictures
get healthy- there are several things that I'm not doing that I really SHOULD be. like drinking more fluids. and exercising.
Have immaculate hygiene (gross, I know. long story short, I am not so great with taking care of myself. I've never been taught how. I adjusted things according to what I was teased about.)
Hug people
say" I love you" more often
be positive
smile more
watch less netflix
keep up all my journals (one for me, one for Pax)
study my scriptures daily.
pray daily
attend the temple once a month
Breastfeed Pax for the rest of the year.
Magnify my calling
read the ensign

And so on.

Needless to say, I have quite a bit that I need to improve on. Some that are really important, and others, not so much. It's all quite overwhelming. Most of these things are repeats. They have been on my resolution list since I can remember, and I am certain that I have failed at every single one of them within the first 2 weeks of the new year. I have issues with consistency, as well as hygiene. Go me.

I promise, this was not intended to be a poor me post; although I'm really feeling it now.
I wanted to say that I am changing what a resolution means to me. Sure, all the things listed above are awesome goals to accomplish, but most of them are far fetched enough to be considered life goals. My list needs some consolidating. Then I need to think hard, and pick at least 4 attainable resolutions. One for my mind, one for my body, one for my spirit, and one for others. Let's re-visit the list, shall we?

 So I guess, the things that relate to each other or "go together" will be in the same color

Make the dean's list this semester- this would be cool, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it if It doesn't happen.
Remember birthdays- yeah.
send handwritten letters- I doubt this will happen for anyone but John.
take more pictures

get healthy- there are several things that I'm not doing that I really SHOULD be. like drinking more fluids. and exercising.
Have immaculate hygiene (gross, I know. long story short, I am not so great with taking care of myself. I've never been taught how. I adjusted things according to what I was teased about.) These can be categorized into "taking better care of myself"
Hug people
say" I love you" more often
be positive
smile more
watch less netflix- yeah, probably not. We love sesame street too much.
keep up all my journals (one for me, one for Pax)
study my scriptures daily.
pray daily 
attend the temple once a month
Breastfeed Pax for the rest of the year. - really goes without saying, so It's not really a resolution.
Magnify my calling (this fits into 2 categories)
read the ensign

Looks like I have 5 categories as the list is now.

Purple:  Become closer to my Heavenly Father
Blue: Keep a personal history 
Red: Be little miss F*&%$#! sunshine (for a lack of a better expression) This is going to be hard work. I need to remember all the things I do RIGHT.Not that I'm always doom and gloom, but I'm not very "huggy" and I have yet to like my own smile. I think I need invisalign.... 
Poop Green: Take better care of Meeself. Be a woman. Do my hair. No sugar. More water. 

One thing I have thought a lot about is making a big deal out of birthdays. Birthdays were rarely exciting in my home growing up. This would include making a handmade gift for members of my family (and some of my extended family) and calling them to wish them a happy birthday, Writing happy birthday messages on facebook, and making gifts for my mother in law on Joh'ns birthday, and gift for my mom on my birthday (as well as getting myself a little somethin' somethin' on paxton's birthday). There is no crappier feeling than feeling like your birthday is just another day. It's really not.

Check out my pinterest pinboard "resolution" as I try to keep my goals for this year.

What are some of you resolutions?

December 3, 2011

How to create your personal history

I currently serve as a family history consultant in my ward, and I have developed a love for personal histories. We forget, as members of the LDS church that doing genealogy work is not limited to pedigree charts and finding names to take to the temple. A personal history is congruent with the 3 fold mission of the church. Perfect the saints. Redeem the dead. Proclaim the gospel. A Journal is therapeutic tool. It can be a tool for perfecting ourselves, and also a wonderful way to share the gospel with our kindred. The Book of Mormon itself is a history of an ancient civilization. We can redeem the dead mainly through temple work. The spirits our our kindred dead remain on the earth with us, and they know the work that we do. When we write in our journals about them, or look at photos of them, it is a type of redemption.
Documenting your personal history can be achieved by different things.

The most popular is taking photographs. I encourage you to take a picture a day, and thoroughly document the simple joys and mundane pleasures of daily living, along with important milestones and lavish travel. Purchase a good quality camera. Here is a great article on how to purchase a camera for beginners

 Most people turn their nose up at the thought of sitting down with a journal and writing how the day dragged on. There are several electronic resources available that prevent us from the dreaded pen-and-paper. Many don't realize that blogging is keeping a journal. One of the most famous bloggers that I know of is Stephanie Nielson of the Nie Nie dialogues. She blogs as a history for her children. She also inspired me to start a journal for my son. I have recorded his milestones and anecdotes, his birth story, and little love notes for him. I plan to keep a journal like this for all of my children until they leave on their mission or get married, and include them in their dowry. (that is for another post. I love the idea of a dowry) So go get a blog domain from wordpress, or blogspot, or wherever you would like to blog. There is also an online journal that I like to use.
Now, I don't know about you, but the idea of scrapbooking to me is overwhelming. The products available are vast, and ideas are numerous. I have not yet gotten into scrapbooking, so my knowledge is limited. here are some links to digital scrapbooking : ;

and for those of you living in the mesa area, Mystic paper on main street is the most scrumptious little scrapbooking shop.
 I don't even scrapbook, but I found myself so incredibly inspired while walking through this quaint little shop.
 One thing I can say Is that I don't believe that pictures belong in a book. Pictures belong in our homes as reminders of the wonderful life we live. fill your scrapbook with report cards, locks of hair, drawings, pressed flowers. Anything goes.

That brings me to my next idea on personal history. When I was a teenager, I created what I called "my spiritual scrapbook" as a 10 hour project for Personal Progress. I filled it with my favorite talks, journal entries where I recorded my testimony, favorite scriptures, quotes, and collages of my favorite temples. This was probably the neatest thing That I have ever done for my personal history. My purpose it creating it was to have something I could read through and look back on every time I was struggling either with the gospel or with personal aspects of my life (cause I had a LOT of them growing up). This kept my faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ strong as I made my way through each trial , and I was able to see the hand of my Father in heaven involved in my life.
I strongly encourage you to make this a family activity.

The last thing I want to talk about is time capsules. I don't know why time capsules are not practiced more than they are. It is a really neat concept. It's like your own personal treasure chest. I made a time capsule when I was 12 (an unsuccessful time capsule, I might add) and It was filled with several things that I could not look at until I was 18. It was a simple cleaned out paint can with a strip of paper hot glued to the outside. I had my peers sign it, and then my capsule was sealed. In it was a pair of baby socks (which I lost, and I'm KICKING myself for it) a Hankie, and an envelope with a letter to myself, and a letter from a friend. The best thing about these is that they are so versatile! You can put whatever you want in them, and depending on what it's made out of, you can put it anywhere. I recommend this as a family activity, too.

I hope this post is helpful. I'd like to share that I think it is so important that we teach our children how to create their own personal history. As a parent, I encourage you to find sentiment in the little things, and find the best way for you to remember them without cluttering your home or stressing you out.

November 30, 2011


My stuffed mushrooms. Don't be fooled, these are heaven.

Bacon wrapped asparagus.... mmmmhyes

Sweet potato quinoa salad. It was nice and fresh.

The bird. It turned out alright.

the cran-daddy cooler was delish.

the table. It makes me proud.

November 20, 2011


This morning, I'm a little bitter.

John and I have been trying to get Pax on a sleep schedule, and last night was the worst night we have ever had. Ever.

I've been reading a book called "The no-cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, to try and get our bedtime circumstances under control. Her emphasis is on a sleep-associating nightly bedtime routine. Supposedly, if your baby knows that you read a book and take a bath before going to sleep- they will put themselves to sleep when the time comes. I liked her theories because she is against the cry it out mindset. I am too. I think letting your baby cry until they fall asleep is selfish and cruel, not to mention permanently damaging. There is heavy research that supports my views, as well.

That being said, Bedtime with Paxton the last few weeks has been hard. I came very close to putting him in his own room with the door closed and just letting him cry because I didn't know what else to do.

We started him on a regular routine, and made sure to give him lots of extra attention during the day.

Paxton slept a wonderful 6 hour stretch 2 nights ago, and I thought to myself  "this could really be working".

So last night, We started our routine at 7 pm and he was soundly sleeping by 8:15. Awesome.
We came up to bed at 10:45. Pax woke up 15 minutes later. Then again at 12:00am, 1:15, 3:15, 4:00 and 5:30 this morning. He squirmed the whole time in between, making it virtually impossible for either John or I to get decent sleep. From 5:30 he slept until 9. That's why I feel slightly human this morning.

As I was trying to put him back to sleep over and over, the thoughts of just letting him cry came to mind. I thought to myself " Why is it that when I try to make the right choices, it seems like there are no rewards."
Not just with sleeping. In most of the other choices we made for our parenting style, we are criticized- and it's HARD. we chose the hard road, and I am waiting ever so patiently for the part where I feel like it was worth it.

This has been a common trend in my life. Although as a kid, my parents didn't teach me how to make the right choices on my own. I was always compelled to make them, and that is why I have never felt the reward.

October 3, 2011

New toy

Pax has been dragging the most unusual thing around the house with him.
Any guesses?
Yep. a pad. I guess he liked the crinkle sound the wrapper makes. I have NO idea where he found it but it kept him quiet. After this photo it was taken away, and he fusses once again.
The future of gynecology is in good hands.

September 25, 2011

on my heart

Life for us is NUTS right now. I started my first real semester of college on August 18th and It's been stressing me out. It's all online, but accelerated. I have 5 classes this semester, but I have 3 this term (7.5 weeks) and 2 next term. There is no cumulative final and I have the flexibility of doing my homework/ assignments when I have time and wherever my laptop is. Trying to be the mom I want to be for paxton, the wife I want to be for John and the student I want to be for me, Is the hardest thing I have done. That's saying a lot. This is harder that natural childbirth- and THAT is hard. I have wanted to quit MANY times. Sometimes, I have wanted to quit being a mom and wife, and that was more painful to deal with. I could be a student for the rest of my life- I enjoy it that much. I have learned SO MUCH. I feel spread really thin just because I have higher expectations of myself than what I am actually capable of, and on the other hand, I'm not performing to THE best of my ability. It's a crappy spot to be in.

I am fitting into my pre-preg jeans!  I lost another ten pounds. I gained 6 back just because I stopped caring, but I'm trying to re-focus. I know I have the will power, and self control, and I CAN do this. I just need to start wanting to do it.

We gave Dalton back to Arizona Beagle Rescue yesterday. I was able to keep it together until I walked out to the car and realized, that I didn't even get to pet him or cuddle him goodbye. Then the reality set in that I would never see him again. The house is quiet, and we are enjoying the new freedom and lower stress (and dog hair) levels in our home. I am not used to him being gone, but I am not sure if I miss him yet.

Why do women need security? why are we obsessed with money? I think I figured it out. I used to really not care about my financial situation when I was single.I mean, I cared, but it was not the subject of my every waking thought. I lived out of my car for a week because I didn't make enough money for rent. I slept on couches and did odd jobs for strangers just to put gas in my car, pay my insurance and cell phone bill. I didn't care. Those were the only expenses I had. When John and I were first married, we had everything we needed. We lived in a shoe box of an apartment, but it was a smokin' deal. I made it a home. We moved into our townhouse and all of a sudden, things that we didn't need before, we need now. Now we have a baby... ...  we "need" more things as our lives grow and progress. It takes a LOT to make a house into a home- I'm not even counting those little things that make your house BEAUTIFUL, not just a home, but basic needs like Dishwasher detergent, rugs, bed linens, etc. -all these things get looked over when you live in your car or in a shoebox where you don't need them.
We need security so that we can make our nest and be able to raise our babies and be good mothers and to be able to take care of ourselves. Cosmetics and hygiene items can be a HUGE expense. Don't get me wrong, I am all about shopping at goodwill for just about everything- "things" are only as expensive as you want them to be. Babies are only as expensive as you want them to be. I currently find myself going crazy and making lists of things that our house needs to become a home, to be more streamlined, efficient, and organized. It costs money, and I think that is why women obsess about security.

September 11, 2011

Veggie Tales

For the past four days, I have not consumed : Meat, dairy, eggs, sugar, salt, beans, seeds, or grains.
What I have been consuming has consisted of  fresh veggie and fruit juices, smoothies, and cooked and raw fruits and vegetables.
So far, i've noticed that I sleep better and fall asleep faster and my energy levels have not suffered. I can do the same amount of work without needing as much fuel. I should do much better about drinking water-  would probably feel like wonder woman by now if I drank enough. The first three days were hard. I was just plain hungry and wanted to eat everything the first day, craved meat and dairy the second day, and craved starches and sugar the third. Today, I don't crave anything. I'm just hungry, but that's because I haven't eaten yet this morning.

I also fed Paxton his first bits of broccoli. Not very succesful

I also found that he LOVES watching veggie tales. I turned it on for him one morning just to see what he would do, and to my surprise, he was quiet for the whole thing.

August 30, 2011

Diaper Acrobatics

Dad, you're awesome.

August 21, 2011

worth a thousand words

we're still alive. Just barely. Here's proof:

From Paxton with love.... After John wiped most of the blood away.


July 1, 2011

Hide and seek

I've gone into hiding for a while. I've deleted my Facebook account, my twitter, and ravaged the list of blogs I followed. I got released from primary. Kind of happy about it. I was spending too much time looking into everyone else's lives and not working on mine. I have been struggling with my faith, and after making the grueling realization that I've got a lot of repenting to do, I now hide while I seek.

I've been doing much better this past month, with the exception of a few days. I have been diligent with journaling. I keep 2 and I am working on a third. My personal Journal, a journal that I record Paxton's milestones and anecdotes in, and a gratitude journal. I also have picked up my scriptures a few times. I have not read them regularly since the hubster and I came to be. But my longest absence..... six months, give or take. Not one jot or tittle. I'm as astounded as you are. 
Sunday, I managed to feel the spirit. Not at church- in my own home. Lately I have really enjoyed reading The Ensign (a monthly magazine that my church publishes) and on sunday, I happened to come across the First Presidency message written by Dieter F. Uchtdorf (a counselor in the Leadership of my church) about being committed to the gospel, and it really hit home. 

I have a cousin Catania who I really look up to (she doesn't even know it. As matter of fact, I'm pretty sure she un-friended me on Facebook because she forgot who I was. Or, She just doesn't like me) She has been through hell and back, and yet has every quality I wish I had. I stumbled upon her spiritual blog and I find myself really inspired by her. I want to be that commited. 

Pax, my 5 month old son, is currently the love of my life(figuratively speaking). He has all of a sudden become really endearing. His personality blows me away. This week we discovered that: 
a: he loves sitting and playing in garbage 
 b: he loves Laying and playing with garbage.

I think christmas will be a breeze this year.

June 9, 2011


If any of you "followers" out there know me via Facebook, most of you are aware that my husband and I recently got back from our florida vacation. We Stayed in my hometown- Mostly to see family, but also to see whomever wanted to see us. 

It felt so good to be around my family again.I was really missing my mom and siblings. 

My Dad hasn't changed. I'm tired of being tactful when it comes to talking about my father. Or for anything else for that matter.
I was really heartbroken and very hurt that regardless of family- nobody went out of their way to visit us- or even asked to meet somewhere for that matter. And the ones who said they would- are just a bunch of liars. I even had 1 person I used to be close with look me in the eyes and just walk away like I wasn't even there. ANd then my Dad Decided to be an @$$hole the entire time my mom was on vacation and home with us. That probably hurt the most. That being said- screw you all.

"friends" and even some family seem to slip through my fingers constantly. I seem to not be good enough to be reached out to or invited anywhere. That has been ruined by you know who. Family seems to be a non-sentimental organization for him. The only thing he seems to be loyal to is the recliner and plasma TV. 

Needless to say, it will take a while before I work up enough desire to ever go back to Tampa.
My family is falling apart, as well.
I'm just really angry. With a lot of people. For a lot of things.
but that's another blog post. Or a whole other blog (that's actually not a bad Idea)

I feel like Stevie Nicks did when she was writing Landslide. 
Her career was starting to crumble along with everything else.A whole world of change was at her feet, and the way she got it to turn out the way she wanted was by writing about it.

" can I handle the changing ocean tides? can I handle the seasons of my life? mm mmm, I don't know."

May 3, 2011


The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

I discovered the mother's room at church Last sunday. I knew they existed, but didn't know that Our building had one.

I took Paxton in there this past fast Sunday.
It's my new favorite place. Padded armchair-rockers, a changing station, diaper pail, sink, ,mirror and privacy wall. They also have the meeting piped into the room so you Don't miss out on anything potentially important.

The moment I sat down and began to nurse Paxton, all cuddled up under the Blankie his Yaya made, I felt completely at peace. A feeling I haven't felt in a VERY long time. Nursing was a breeze, listening to the speakers in sacrament meeting was enjoyable. I was  very comfortable.they keep that room nice and cool with air conditioning. At that moment, motherhood didn't feel so demanding. All the sacrifices I made because I thought it would be the best for my babies, feels like a chore most days. But that day, right then, it was SO worth feeling this way. 

Before John and I found out we were expecting a baby, we would sit and dream aloud about our children and the daily traditions we wanted to start, one of them being singing our babies to sleep every night. I have done this often, but not every night. I think it was this last weekend that pax and I had our fun in the bathtub, got in our jammies and cuddled up in bed. He was looking me right in the eyes and giving me one of those open mouthed smiles that make your heart melt. Almost as if he were saying " i love you SO much, mommy! you're my best friend" I then began singing primary songs, and as his eyes began to droop and get heavy with sleep, i listened to the words that i was singing to him:

"I'm trying to be like Jesus, 
I'm following in his ways.
I'm trying to love as he did, in all that i do and say;
at times I am tempted to make the wrong choice,
but I try to listen as the still small voice whispers:
Love one another as Jesus loves you, 
try to show kindness in all that you do, 
be gentle, and loving, in deed and in thought;
for these are the things Jesus taught."

by the time i get to the second verse, i am usually teary and can't get the words out.

"i'm trying to love my neighbor,
i'm learning to serve my friends.
I watch for the day of gladness when Jesus will come again.
I try to remember the lessons he taught, 
but the holy spirit enters into my thoughts, saying:
Love one another as Jesus loves you
try to show kindness in all that you do
be gentle and loving in deed and in thought
for these are the things Jesus taught."

at this point, i am laying next to my sweet baby with tears in my eyes. not only is he now asleep, but i had just successfully taught him about his older brother, and Redeemer by singing him that song. I was left in complete awe at this perfect creature laying next to me, who probably knows Jesus better than I do. And yet heavenly father lets me be his parent. what an incredible privilege i have.

I know I will have days where I just want to bang my head on the table because Paxton Just spat his binky out for the 20th time during a nap, and I have to go ALL THE WAY back upstairs to put it back in for him so he can go back to sleep. (like right now. which reminds me, NEVER will I live in a 2 story home again!)
But it will make those oh so sweet moments, that much sweeter.

Mother's day is this sunday. I hope to listen to whomever speaks from the safe confines of the mother's room. I am really excited. Not just because I finally get another day where I feel special, but because I look forward to the handmade cards , haphazard drawings and weeds picked out of our yard in boquet-like fashion. From Paxton and our other children(cause I know there are more sweet spirits waiting for us)in the years to come.

April 21, 2011


This was me at 210 pounds:
 cookie in hand and everything! mind you, I was carrying a 8 pound 4 ounce human being inside of me at the time of this picture.

I was also in labor when this picture was taken.
I gained a whopping 60 pounds during my pregnancy.
I stepped on my bathroom scale 4 hours after the birth(which I did at home)and I weighed 180 pounds. 
As My sweet baby and I taught each other how to breastfeed, I lost tons of water weight, and of course, the breastfeeding burns an amazing amount of calories.

  This is an AWFUL picture (kinda glad it's blurry, but you can still see my size), but this is us eight days later, and I weighed 174 pounds.

At almost 3 months post-partum, I have hit my plateau at 165. I have not lost anymore. and so this is the start of my journey back to THIS body:
 This was me on my wedding day. 120 pounds of perfection. those pants were a size 4. I gained 30 pounds in 2 years of marriage.

i guess 50 pounds is a big deal, so I thought I'd hold myself more accountable if I blogged about it 

I know what I need to do- DOING it is the hard part. it's ALWAYS the doing that's the hardest for me.
This week I WILL: drink more water.

April 12, 2011

Starting over

Paxton is asleep. My house is a garbage tip. My insides are a mess.

My coping skills need to be dusted off.

I've really been struggling lately. I started going into detail, but at the risk of boring you all to death, I'll just keep it short.I guess I'm more private than I thought. Or just too lazy, probably.

I'm starting over.
 I don't like the person I've become, and I'm going into a "rehab" of sorts.

I've repented, but still need some more repenting to do.
I have to re-build my marriage from scratch.
I am re-building my life from ashes.

Please pray for me.

I can't do this alone.

February 22, 2011

Brace yourself.

Updated 1/19/2013

*it's been almost two years since Paxton joined our family. I don't know if it's because of the time that has passed, or if it's because i'm pregnant again and reminiscing about going through labor , but I'm remembering a lot more details of his birth story

I had a baby.
That still sounds bizarre to me, but I did. I had a baby.
Life does not feel remotely close to what it used to feel like.
 that's probably a good thing.
It's something I have never felt before.It's a remarkable change.
It's squeaky clean. A page has turned.
It's a New life.

The superficial living has absentmindedly left us. It's not about us anymore. It's about US now. I feel a stronger gravitational pull towards my family, my faith, my husband, and new experiences in general. No, I am not the same person anymore.
I have SO MUCH to loose now. My level of vulnerability seems through the roof. I feel unable to protect myself from pain- and I'm not so sure I want to anymore.
This is challenging. This is serenity.

I never thought I could be so perfectly content looking into this little face for hours. Awake or asleep, I still can't believe he's here. 

some have inquired for details- a "birth story" if you will.
My labor, from first contraction, to a baby being caught by John's Strong and capable hands, was 55 hours.

yes, my husband delivered our son.
Yes, I had him at home.
Yes, that means I had zero medication.
and yes, I'd do it again.

I Remember the "ew!" factor of loosing my mucous plug the weekend before he was born. I knew that this was a sign that labor was imminent, so i put my energy in making sure that everything was ready, and that the equipment was set up for the midwives. 

I remember going to Homegoods to find some scented candles for the birth. It was the last thing on my list of to do's. I was with my mom and i found a pack of 6 scented candles from yankee candle- i think the flavor was coconut lime mojito. I smelled it once, and knew that was exactly what i wanted. Something about the way it smelled really soothed me and relaxed me. I felt my prior anxieties leave (my dad decided to come to Arizona that night even after i asked him to wait until after the birth), and as we got in the car to go back home i had a sense of this inner tranquility that i had never felt before, and i remember saying to my mom, "the baby can come now."

i believe the rest of the evening proceeded as normal. We ate supper, probably chatted for a while or watched a movie, and then we went to bed around 10ish.

 i felt like i had only been asleep for about thirty minutes before a contraction woke me up. i don't know if i had been contracting for the whole hour or so that i had been asleep, but i got up to look at the clock, and to use the bathroom. 11:50pm. My due date would be here in 10 minutes. i tried going back to sleep, and I laid there thinking that i would be holding a baby in my arms in 24 hours or so. 

For some reason, i couldn't seem to just relax. I had a few more contractions, and after emptying my bladder again, realized that this was certainly the real thing, because I was having bloody show (when your cervix begins to dilate, the capillaries  burst, and a tiny stream of blood with cervical mucous ends up on your toilet paper)That made things more solid for me. No turning back. Holy crap, i'm going to be a parent.I couldn't sleep after that point. I woke john up and asked him to please let the midwife know that i was in labor.i knew i needed to wake him up, because i didn't want to do this alone, even though it was still really early.

 It was well after midnight- probably around 2 am when i decided to go downstairs. i felt really bad, because my mom was sleeping down there. She woke up really fast- i thought i was more stealthy than that. i was going to sneak to the fridge for something to eat and drink. She asked if i was ok, and i told her I was fine, but I had a few contractions, and i was pretty sure i was in labor. She didn't seem to be sleepy after that. John and i watched a movie together, and i labored for several contractions. I could not get relaxed, and i was psyching myself out about what was to come. My contractions eventually stopped. It was 4 in the morning, and I was exhausted. 
The three of us went back to sleep until 8 or 9 in the morning.

 i hadn't had another contraction until I got out of the shower and was getting dressed. It was freezing outside. It was the coldest day mesa had seen in 50 years, and the next few days where going to be bitter as well. I was starting to get frustrated. My contractions were all over the place. I would go hours without having one, and then I would have two in a row that were really close together and LOOOOONNNNG. So i decided to go get an adjustment to see if i could regulate my contractions. So i had the adjustment. My contractions stayed the same. Super sporradic and un-timable. 

John and i decided to go for a walk, since I was having a hard time making up my mind about what i wanted to do. I had the option of going to a movie or going to paint some pottery at as you wish, but i just wanted to stay home. i didn't think i would be comfortable in either scenario. the rest of the day unfolded. My contractions had stopped. i remember feeling like i really needed to talk to someone. i needed my fears to go away. I knew that I was in the fight or flight mode, and I was slowing my own labor down. I remember telling this to john and he tried his best to re-assure me.
I decided i was going to go to bed. i wanted the day to be over, and I would start again tomorrow. i couldn't sleep. The moment i relaxed, the contractions started again, and I did the same thing as the night before. Woke up john, went downstairs, labored for a few hours. Went back to bed because of exhaustion. Woke up at 7 or 8 because of contractions. I think i took a benadryl and some tylenol so that i could sleep a little. that lasted 2 hours. 

John thought i was getting close, so he called the midwife, and they appeared at my door about 30 minutes later. i knew it wasn't time for them to come. i knew I was not close to having the baby yet, but john insisted. i was putting on a little makeup so that i would look somewhat presentable in the pictures that would soon ensue.  i had some clear broth and jello to eat also, and the midwife told me i could eat real food if i wanted to.  they observed me for about an hour, and then they left. They said i was doing great on my own and that they would be here when i needed them. i asked for a prediction of how much longer i would have to labor before I would have the baby, and i remember feeling so discouraged and let down by myself when she said " That's up to your body, but do i think the baby will get here before dinnertime? no." i didn't want them to leave. i needed something, some comfort, some pep talk from someone who did this before, but i didn't know how to ask for it.(hindsight is that they had 3 other moms in labor, and they are obligated to prioritize by progress in labor.)

At that point I asked john for a blessing. I was really afraid. i know that I had been dealing with the contractions alright, but what was it going to feel like when I pushed? how was I going to be able to care for a baby, when i could barely take care of myself. he gave me a blessing of comfort, and I went about my day, contracting on and off. I remember getting in the bathtub, because my contractions were starting to get a little longer. it was dark, and i had a little music playing, but that didn't seem to help me relax. All at once I remembered that being vocal and making noise helped open the cervix because the jaw would be relaxed. so i started to be vocal. that seemed to really do the trick, because my labor really progressed from that point. i got out of the tub and labored on the bed, and I couldn't move. I had to pee with almost every contraction i had, and I completely soaked our bed, which had already been made for the birth. My labor was in full swing, and I was grateful that I was finally getting somewhere. 

i put some clothes on, and went downstairs to get some food, and had two contractions as john helped me down the stairs. We would walk circles around our dining room table, and then i would drop to a squat and throw my arms around john's waist, and just hang there when i felt a contraction coming. I just let it all go. it was a system, and when i stopped caring about the puddles of pee i was leaving on the floor, I really got my labor going. i was close to transitioning when i started getting really lightheaded. i was taking singer's breaths, and releasing all the air i had with every contraction. Since they were so close together, i did not have a lot of time to rest in between, and I was getting close to blacking out each time. 

I knew I had to slow my labor back down, because we didin't have the midwife there who brings a tank of oxygen with her. my body had become weak over the last 2 days without much sleep, and the thought of needing a c-section because i was too tired to push scared the hell out of me. i knew i needed some sleep. ANY sleep before I could face the rest of the laboring process. i took an extra strength tylenol, had some food and a honey stick, and took another dose of benadryl. i asked john to please give me another blessing. 

He did, and It was one of the most beautiful and powerful blessings I have ever had in my life- greater than my patriarchal blessing. At that moment I knew i was going to be okay, and I felt the comfort of heavenly father surrounding me, and i could really feel his presence- and the presence of my female ancestors there in that room.the veil was thin, and it was one of the most sacred experiences I've had.(i'm tearing up really bad just thinking about it!) 

i slept for 2 hours in the recliner we purchased for my mom to sleep in. I knew if I laid on my side, my contractions would keep me awake and I would not get any sleep. I slept through my contractions, but i eventually woke up because they were getting longer again. I couldn't get out of the reclining chair I had slept in, and I peed all over myself and the chair. (I don't remember drinking a whole lot, but for some reason I had some unseen reservoir of urine that magically re-filled) Trying hard not to wake john up (because i knew he was just as exhausted as i was) i got out of the chair, contracted, hobbled to the shower while contracting twice more, and turned the shower on. I labored on my hands and knees with the warm water on my back, until i completely emptied out our hot water tank. I let the cold water run over me for about ten more minutes, and the next contraction i had felt pushy. you know that feeling you get when you are trying to go poo and your body kinda pushes without your permission? Well, that was the feeling i got, and I waited for another 3 contractions before realizing it was time to push. 

I got out of the shower, and had another 2 pushy contractions. I called out to john, who woke up right away, and told him to get the midwife here because i felt like i needed to push. he leaped out of bed, and I wrapped myself in a towel, trying to stay warm. I labored on the bed for about 20 minutes, when the midwives magically appeared at my bedside.(they must have broken a few traffic laws) I was totally naked and on all fours on the bed, and it didn't even phase me.I had another pushy contraction the moment they arrived, and my water broke at about 2 am.

I got into the bathtub. I had run the hot water out from the shower I had taken earlier. So my mom heated water on the stove.
My midwife had to comment that this was the first homebirth she attended that fit the stereotype of needing the boiling water.

I pushed with each contraction, but didn't progress.(between you and me, I was trying not to push that hard.)
After a quick cervical check (they NEVER do this unless they feel it's important-I'd been pushing for about 2 hours)they discovered his head was not quite in the right position. they pulled me out of the bathtub and I labored and pushed in a squat. Still nothing.
On the birthing stool... not much better. The midwife asked if i would be comfortable flat on my back to push. I wasn't going to argue. whatever got this done and over with was fine by me. At this point, my midwife called my mom into the room.

He was stuck on my pubic bone with his head turned to the side.
apparently being flat on your back does good things for that. i never worked harder in my whole life. With john and the midwife holding my legs practically around my neck, I would take a big breath and then bear down,feeling like the veins in my neck were going to pop, and a little fearful that i was going to give myself an aneurism.

There was a certain point when I was just so tired for pushing on my back. I kept saying over and over "I can't do this, i can't do this." but my midwives and my mom fought with me, and encouraged me. My mom would wipe the sweat off of my face and neck with a cool rag, which was so comforting and felt really good. When I pushed, I would hear her catch her breath and push with me. Then Stephanie told me the baby needed to move positions in order to come out. She could feel a hematoma (a swelling) on his little scalp, and the fact that he did not want to come out like that, gave her the decision to be a little more hands-on. She gently pushed him back away from my pubic bone, and immediately paxton turned his head into the right position. I did one more round of pushing on my back, and I started crowing. 

The midwives and john got really excited, "He's got a ton of hair, sweetie." he said with a huge grin.  they offered to hold a mirror up so i could see. I knew that option was available to me from day one, but I never thought I would take it so quickly as i did at that moment. I needed to see that he was coming and that my pushing was really working now. I saw his little head- covered in hair, and I suddenly had more energy.

Stephanie asked if i preferred being on the bed, or if i wanted to squat. I opted to squat. They helped me roll off the edge of the bed, and my mom sat on the edge of the bed behind me, and i looped my arms around her legs. John and the Midwives came down at the business end, ready to catch. 

I pushed once, and the ring of fire sensation was not as bad as I was told it was. I sat there a moment and Stephanie looked right in my eyes and told me, " next contraction, i want you to do short, little grunty pushes" I knew she was trying to keep me from tearing, but I knew I was so close, and I didn't want to have to push anymore. I bore down again, and i could feel his head coming out, and i felt the popping sensation of my perineum tearing. Stephanie said "HOLD ON!!" and put her hand quickly on my bottom, giving me counter pressure with olive oil. She gave me the go ahead to push again, and i did. his head was out, and We waited for just a moment to give me a little break, and so that he midwife could suction his nose and his mouth out. It was time for the last push, and the rest of his body came tumbling out, and john quickly caught him and
immediately handed him to me. All i can remember was looking down in shock that he was finally out. his eyes were wide open. "my baby, my baby" is all I could say at that point. I wanted to cry, but I was so tired.

they put him on my chest with a warm towel on top, and i leaned back onto the top of the bed, while they did all the after stuff like delivering the placenta, checking our vitals, repairing my self inflicted tear. Apparently it was small enough I didn't need to be glued back together, but we opted for it anyway. Dermabond is a gift from god. I can't imagine having STITCHES down there. 

we all shared a smoked salmon and capers bagel with orange juice.
We showered off and i peed before the midwives left
the best story of my life. This beats the wedding- hands down.
We are getting to know each other these days. He's almost three weeks old. that doesn't seem right. we have to get back to real life soon. this babymoon is almost over.

January 31, 2011

Any day now/ It's been peachy

holy cow.
40 weeks. He's due on wednesday.
this is it, don't get scared now.

My midwife estimated his size at 8 lbs. 12 oz as of today.
He's going to be a 9-pounder when he actually comes.

my mom has been here for a week. It's been peachy.
I haven't cooked a single meal or done the dishes once.
Fabulous. I am really glad she's here. REALLY glad.
My dad and two younger siblings are leaving florida on wednesday and should be here saturday. I am going to pray EXTRA hard for the baby to come before then. feb 3rd would be perfect. 
It gives me 2 days to nest. yeah.
did you hear that pax? you have 2 days to say goodbye to your comfy spot inside my belly, ok?

The power of positive thinking!

January 20, 2011

This shall be framed and hung

I got the SWEETEST gift from my supervisor today. It was a photocopy of a poetic article written on boys. It goes like this:

My favorite part- the part that will be painted or vinyl lettered on the wall of this little man's bedroom will be 
"A boy is truth with dirt on it's face, beauty with a cut on it's finger, wisdom with bubble gum in it's hair, and the hope of the future with a frog in it's pocket."

I'm in love. And it's not even friday! who'da thunk?

January 17, 2011

Let's lighten up, shall we?

It seems as though i have been completely consumed by morbid realities and sadness- my last three posts have been overwhelmingly depressing. I've been a bit pensive and thinking about a lot of heavy stuff, and it shows.

let's get the happy posts going again. (sorry it took me so long)

I'm excited.

my last day of work is on thursday.
My mommy flies in on saturday.
I turn 21 (yes, 21)next wednesday.
Sunday is my last sunday in primary for a while.
Today is my last birthing class.
I am one week closer to being a Mom.
And I get to hang up or burn several hats that I have worn for a long time.
no more teacher hat. no more primary hat for a while.
no more student hat. no mom hat yet.
i get to focus on wearing only two. wife and daughter.

ahhhhhhhhh. Calgon couldn't make me feel this good.

on another note: i love this little dog.