this morning, I stayed home from work.
I woke up pretty easy, and didn't feel very tired.
I Decided to forgo shampooing my hair so I would have time to make a good breakfast for John and I. I got myself dressed, and tied my greasy hair into a ponytail, and proceeded to do my makeup.
I didn't get very far before I started crying, and un-doing the foundation job I had just finished. I thought to myself "I don't know how much longer of this I can take."
I have been blessed with a wonderful pregnancy.I would not trade this for any other woman's pregnancy. I vowed to never complain about the symptoms I DO get, and to NEVER use my pregnancy as a crutch and milk it for what it's worth. I have heard Women who might have trouble getting pregnant say "oh, i would GLADLY throw up every day all day and gain 100 pounds if only that meant i was actually going to have a baby." Ladies, you'll have your limits, too. your body is not perfect. I'ts unfair to think that we have no reason to "whine" just because we can GET pregnant without medical help. We love our babies, too. And I for one, don't take this ability to create another life for granted. Being pregnant is being pregnant. our bodies don't make any exception or notice any difference in how long it took us to get ourselves pregnant.
I have pushed myself harder and harder to not become that person. I've widened the boundaries of my own already lofty expectations over and over again. Lately this behavior makes others treat me like I'm not in any discomfort at all. Do I really have to cry wolf to get a little bit of compassion and sensitivity?
let me inform you all.
I have heartburn from hell. The kind that makes flame throwers want to vomit. It is debilitating enough to where I cannot eat ANYTHING, including a full bottle of tums, to get it to go away.
I was admitted to the hospital with a kidney infection. the pain in my left side was so severe that I actually VOMITED because I couldn't take it anymore. I have a condition called pubis symphisis diastis which makes everyday things like bending over, putting on clothes, rolling over in bed, and using the bathroom- excruciating. I have to see my chiropractor every 20 days to get to a point where I no longer gasp for breath every time I pull my pants down to pee. It will also affect me physically as I try to give birth. My right hand falls asleep, and burns with pain every night, affecting my sleep. Most mornings, it's swollen to where i can't even butter my own toast, and it takes me half an hour just to put on my makeup.
The emotional upset and sensitivity from these baby-making hormones are the MAJORITY of the discomfort. The comments I get from everyone including TOTAL strangers about my size, makes me want to be a gunman in my own little massacre. Who the hell made them the expert on how big I should be? for all they know, I could have a rare disorder that causes tumor growth in my abdomen( i actually work with someone who had this condition while pregnant), or I could be carrying triplets. Don't try to be subtle and ask me when i'm due, cause I know you're thinking I look like I am about to squeeze this baby out right onto your freshly cleaned carpets! GET SOME MANNERS, and stop telling me that I look like I'm about ready to pop, cause it's none of your damn business anyway!
at this point, my midwives and husband seem to be the ONLY ones I hear positive comments from regarding my appearance.
my own father called me "shamu."
it sucks that hearing, "you look fantastic" or " you have such a beautiful pregnant glow" or " look at your cute pregnant belly!" has become so rare, that I actually get embarrassed when such a comment is made.
I guess the worst part for me is, I hear that all this frustration and discomfort is all worth it. But what do you say to a woman who realizes how uncertain life is? It makes me sad to admit it, but I'm terrified that this really won't happen. In my mind, moments of pure joy and happiness are whisked away in seconds before they are actually experienced, and are replaced by consuming despair.
what if the crib remains empty? what if I have to do this all over again to get the outcome I was supposed to get the first time?
or worse yet, what if it does happen, and I give birth, but never get to see or meet my son- or worst of all, I look into this child's eyes, and feel just as emotionless as I did the night my sisters died?
Nothing can hurt me if I have nothing that can be hurt.- an incorrect coping mechanism I learned a LONG time ago.
I have invested so much time in trying to do this right, and yet I can't shirk the feeling of denial that it will actually happen for me. I've wanted to be a mom my entire life. I have prayed this baby into existence. I want this. REALLY, really bad- so it wouldn't surprise me if it was taken away. It makes me want to keep him in my belly and deal with these momentary discomforts for forever if I have to.
how's that for being overwhelmed with uncertainty?
it's why I have trouble flying on airplanes. we have our research, and our statistics to educate us, but really, ANYTHING can happen.
there is ONE thing that I know is certain.
God lives. he loves us. And i don't need to protect myself from ANYTHING if I had more trust in him. Getting to that place from where my mind currently resides is the hard part.
And I will probably start LOVING to fly if this boy makes it here like I want him to.