on my heart

Life for us is NUTS right now. I started my first real semester of college on August 18th and It's been stressing me out. It's all online, but accelerated. I have 5 classes this semester, but I have 3 this term (7.5 weeks) and 2 next term. There is no cumulative final and I have the flexibility of doing my homework/ assignments when I have time and wherever my laptop is. Trying to be the mom I want to be for paxton, the wife I want to be for John and the student I want to be for me, Is the hardest thing I have done. That's saying a lot. This is harder that natural childbirth- and THAT is hard. I have wanted to quit MANY times. Sometimes, I have wanted to quit being a mom and wife, and that was more painful to deal with. I could be a student for the rest of my life- I enjoy it that much. I have learned SO MUCH. I feel spread really thin just because I have higher expectations of myself than what I am actually capable of, and on the other hand, I'm not performing to THE best of my ability. It's a crappy spot to be in.

I am fitting into my pre-preg jeans!  I lost another ten pounds. I gained 6 back just because I stopped caring, but I'm trying to re-focus. I know I have the will power, and self control, and I CAN do this. I just need to start wanting to do it.

We gave Dalton back to Arizona Beagle Rescue yesterday. I was able to keep it together until I walked out to the car and realized, that I didn't even get to pet him or cuddle him goodbye. Then the reality set in that I would never see him again. The house is quiet, and we are enjoying the new freedom and lower stress (and dog hair) levels in our home. I am not used to him being gone, but I am not sure if I miss him yet.

Why do women need security? why are we obsessed with money? I think I figured it out. I used to really not care about my financial situation when I was single.I mean, I cared, but it was not the subject of my every waking thought. I lived out of my car for a week because I didn't make enough money for rent. I slept on couches and did odd jobs for strangers just to put gas in my car, pay my insurance and cell phone bill. I didn't care. Those were the only expenses I had. When John and I were first married, we had everything we needed. We lived in a shoe box of an apartment, but it was a smokin' deal. I made it a home. We moved into our townhouse and all of a sudden, things that we didn't need before, we need now. Now we have a baby... ...  we "need" more things as our lives grow and progress. It takes a LOT to make a house into a home- I'm not even counting those little things that make your house BEAUTIFUL, not just a home, but basic needs like Dishwasher detergent, rugs, bed linens, etc. -all these things get looked over when you live in your car or in a shoebox where you don't need them.
We need security so that we can make our nest and be able to raise our babies and be good mothers and to be able to take care of ourselves. Cosmetics and hygiene items can be a HUGE expense. Don't get me wrong, I am all about shopping at goodwill for just about everything- "things" are only as expensive as you want them to be. Babies are only as expensive as you want them to be. I currently find myself going crazy and making lists of things that our house needs to become a home, to be more streamlined, efficient, and organized. It costs money, and I think that is why women obsess about security.


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