March 2, 2012

Funk

 I am in a major funk these days. and when I say "these days" I mean for the past year. It may not come as a surprise to the few people who are a part of my personal life, but my parents are getting a divorce. They have been separated for at least two months now.

Not that this divorce hasn't been desperately needed, because it is. It's just been ugly and painful. I am sad because I am across the country from my family, and my heart breaks that I can't be there to comfort and support where it is needed. This upheaval has stirred many heartbreaking memories, and I am constantly bottled up with many emotions. Most of them being anger. Which is kind of a new thing for me.

Something that has really frustrated me is the way I have been coping with them as of late. Netflix. Pinterest.. Stalking people I used to know on Facebook... and youtube. I watch a LOT of makeup and beauty tutorials on youtube. More than I care to admit. I call all this "numbing" because after I start, I can't stop. Eventually, I completely forget that I was feeling sad or angry or both. It works like a charm. I guess it's better than drinking....

This frustrates me, because I can't stand this behavior in other people, much less, myself.
This is something my bio dad (I'mma call him BILL on here from now on, cause calling him Dad gives me the creep- a- leeps) did ALL the time. The television was always on, even when he was sleeping, and always at a deafening volume. If the tv was off, he was on the computer. If both of those were off, we were in the car, driving to wherever it was we were going ( I swear I spent 3/4 of my childhood in the car).

I was really good at coping with his choice in lifestyle. I spent my time in my room listening to music, reading, or going outside to lay in the sun, or jump on my gorgeous trampoline. I also got really good at baking. Household chores were my responsibility, so I spent lots of  time doing those things, too. I kept a journal. I have a huge stack of them sitting in my husband's closet.

Why can't I do that now? Why can't I just cope the healthy way and journal? ( I did yesterday, and I actually feel SO much better.) Why do I get sucked into the media for comfort? Not to mention- I use all that time up and I seemingly neglect My son and miss some of those precious moments. That breaks my heart, right there.

Not anymore. I am going to play more music in my home. I probably won't start baking cause I am on a sugar free, dairy free, gluten free diet (by doctor's orders). I can't jump on my trampoline. I can sorta lay out in the sun. Since this is Arizona, I could do it for maybe 5 minutes.....
Household chores are still my responsibility, and I neglect those religiously. I will not neglect my child. I will do my schoolwork. I will read my texbooks. I will read for recreation.

anyway- the point is, I'm not going to Numb anymore!

And thanks to Katie Claire I have some musical band-aids to listen to when I want to "take the suck out of my life." ( by the way, if you even read this, Kate, You actually have great taste in music. Not that validation really matters in that area, but I am a trained musician and know good music when I hear it. Props to you. It's rare these days. cherish it.)

As for me, I'm going to get off this computer, go upstairs and clean my room (diapers. so. many. diapers.) and go pull all of my journals out and read them and cry. Maybe I will walk to fresh and easy on the corner and buy myself a pint of dairy free- sugar free ice cream (it sounds like it would be gross, but it's delish.).

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