May 21, 2012

Pax-man at 15 months

 I keep a journal for Paxton. I write in it every month. I figured, if I am going to do all the same things for all of my children, I had better start out realistically. I thought I'd share his 15 month milestones with y'all.

We went to the doc on Friday and got some stats.
Height: 76 centimeters - 20th percentile (not surprising)
Weight: 20.8 pounds- 10th percentile  (also not surprising)
head circ. 50 centimeters
6 teeth
3 head injuries

anecdotes of the pax-man:
yesterday he said "cookie" as clear as day when we handed him a chips ahoy chewy.
Sleeping through the night in his own bed
talks in his sleep
blows kisses
gives hugs on request
will lean in and let you kiss HIM when you ask for one.
dances to any music or rythmic noises he hears,such as a hammer pounding upstairs, or the washing machine on the spin cycle
does a dance when he gets excited about something (think Maniac from flashdance)
Loves to cuddle with his bear- which is freaking adorable
LOVES to be outside
rarely walks and only runs
waves bye bye
claps his hands when I say "YAY!"
when he hears the dogs in our complex barking, he barks back.
When I ask " are you a monkey?" he'll make monkey noises.
When I tell him to be soft, he strokes my face gently, then he slaps it. We're still working on it......

He keeps me busy, but I love him to bits.

May 10, 2012


I've been agonizing over my life (specifically, why I do the things I do, and how to make it stop) for what seems like forever. I realized that I have learned a lot about myself, and have experienced things that are important for me to become the person I want to be. I still have a long way to go.

I try to seek things that will help me in the process. Honestly, I wonder if I would be ahead of this "game " if I had not been so rebellious towards heavenly Father and actually sought out his help. I really struggle with that. I struggle to be close to him. I am full of shame, and sometimes I wonder if I am worth loving.  I know what the scriptures say- Nothing could separate us from the love of God ( Somewhere in Romans, I think) and I know this to be true for everyone else. It's not so difficult for me to understand that he loves everyone even though many blatantly deny that he exists and do everything in their power to go completely against any sort of higher being.  A lot of the time, I feel like his love would feel more real if I had made more mistakes.

I lack pretty much all the experiences required to be a productive member of society, and I cannot seem to get past the fact that I was made this way by other people, and Now I have to take responsibility for the mess THEY made, and learn the proper way to be a woman, adult, mother, wife, daughter.

I have been reading the Miracle of forgiveness for the past week or so. My Mom got it for me for Christmas when I was 16 or 17.  She's always been the practical gift-giver. I have tried to read it several times- but somehow it never "hooked" me in. I supposed there was no keen interest in the subject.

This time around, I am reading it because I am looking for something specific, but got a lot more information than I thought I would. I have learned that I do not know anything about Repentance or forgiveness. If you ask my husband, I have a huge problem apologizing, and when I hear him say "i'm sorry" it means NOTHING to me. It's not surprising- I was parented by the most un-repentant, un-forgiving, and proud male on the east coast. I know a little about The love our Heavenly Father has for us. I have learned that I have recently been SO blinded by the ideals of society and the quest for political correctness. I found myself disagreeing with several "minor sins" that Spencer W Kimball specifically outlines in the book, and a couple of major ones. Not that I have been trying to justify myself (I haven't committed any major sins in my lifetime so far) but because my ideals have been changed and altered by what the world has made acceptable. It's not the first time I have disagreed with Spencer W Kimball- I think he might be the only one I have. What is interesting is that I'm RELATED to the guy...... Satan is a sly dog.

I know that I cannot be healed, and cannot progress in the repentance process and give myself to the Lord until I can forgive my Dad, and everyone else who has hurt me. I woke up from a dream one night, and had realized that the one person who has damaged me the most in my life- is the one I am the kindest to. I figured if I have a relationship with this person, I can work toward the same goals with the others.

This has been such a hard thing to even consider. My present is painful because of my past, but I know that this is something I need to do in order to become closer to my heavenly Father, and therefore become the Woman, the Mother and Wife that he would have me be. I am not very successful practicing my own philosophies, so it's my time to use the method that works.

I don't make my thoughts and inner feelings public because I look for pity, or fish for complements. I do this because I have nothing to hide, and maybe others can learn from my struggles and better their lives, too.

May 1, 2012

Summertime and Beauty school

I've been gone for a while. Time for an end-of-the-semester summary and a general  forecast for the summer.

School. is. out. HOORAH!  Even though the Arizona summers are ungodly, I have come to relish this time of year. I honestly don't remember last summer. I just remember we had a lot going on. We had several visitors, and went on a trip as a family to my hometown- Tampa, Florida.

This summer I find myself going "now what?"
I am a creature of constant changes, and my life feels full and productive when It is kept busy.

John is done with School and will be returning to work for General Dynamics full-time this summer. His job has been a huge blessing, and we are expecting to see a raise soon.

Paxton is Paxton. He is into everything and is such an endearing little boy. He is full of energy and we adore him.

Online schooling has been somewhat difficult. Many of you may not know this about me, but my Dad took me out of school at the very end of my 4th grade year. The 11 years that followed were completely un-devoted to the education of me and my siblings. Up until last semester, my formal education level was 5th grade. I had only been tested once. Never by the state. The school system had no idea I existed. We were just plain out withdrawn and disappeared. Sounds Vaguely similar to Joe Dirt......
 Even now, I have extreme difficulty with basic math. There was a lot that had been neglected, and by the Grace and love of our Father in Heaven, I was able to pass the GED with a high enough score to be admitted into ASU.

Being a first time mom and a first time student has taken a toll on me. Anxiety levels have been at an all-time high, and almost everything in my life has been neglected as a coping mechanism to that anxiety. However, I have been like a sponge and have absorbed the learning process and I can say that I love to learn, and I learn things really fast. It's been a fascinating year. I have decided to conclude my time at ASU and continue a more skill-based education at EVIT and become a beautician.

Many people have asked me "what made you decide to do beauty school?"
And I tell them:
1. it's cheaper than going to ASU
2. I can actually use my schooling as a career (my major was Family and Human Development, and there is not much you can do with it)
3. I could be done in a year instead of 7 or 8 
In order to graduate on time (it was a 5 year program to begin with) i would need over 16 credit hours a semester, and realistically I can only manage 12 per semester. If I took only 12 a semester, I would have to be in school longer- throw in taking time off to have more babies (cause i'm not going to wait another 4+ years to have a second) and I would be screwed to say the least.
5. I've let myself go, and I don't want to use " i've never been properly taught how to take care of myself " as a crutch or excuse when I haven't showered, brushed my teeth, and forgotten deodorant altogether for several days.

 lastly, and most important
6. I've ALWAYS wanted to be in the beauty business.

My oldest sister Emily had a makeup collection that fascinated me. I would always get into trouble because I would play with her things and she would get mad. But it didn't stop me. (yeah, I was kind of a snot in that regard) I loved getting and giving makeovers and I remember getting one of those makeup kits from walmart when I was about 12 or 13 and loving it. I read beauty books, and did a ton of research on skin care when I struggled with severe acne. I have always been enriched and intrigued by the ever- evolving world of beauty.

I'd say that it's about time to cultivate that love.I would have gone to beauty school straight away had it not been for the extreme negative vibes I got from my Dad when I displayed the passion. (or any attempt to take care of myself, for that matter- cause obviously brushing and flossing are the first signs of becoming a communist).
 If not for me, attending beauty school will be a tribute to Emily, who tried to teach me how to be beautiful and think for myself in the first place.

I start June 4th.