May 10, 2012
I've been agonizing over my life (specifically, why I do the things I do, and how to make it stop) for what seems like forever. I realized that I have learned a lot about myself, and have experienced things that are important for me to become the person I want to be. I still have a long way to go.
I try to seek things that will help me in the process. Honestly, I wonder if I would be ahead of this "game " if I had not been so rebellious towards heavenly Father and actually sought out his help. I really struggle with that. I struggle to be close to him. I am full of shame, and sometimes I wonder if I am worth loving. I know what the scriptures say- Nothing could separate us from the love of God ( Somewhere in Romans, I think) and I know this to be true for everyone else. It's not so difficult for me to understand that he loves everyone even though many blatantly deny that he exists and do everything in their power to go completely against any sort of higher being. A lot of the time, I feel like his love would feel more real if I had made more mistakes.
I lack pretty much all the experiences required to be a productive member of society, and I cannot seem to get past the fact that I was made this way by other people, and Now I have to take responsibility for the mess THEY made, and learn the proper way to be a woman, adult, mother, wife, daughter.
I have been reading the Miracle of forgiveness for the past week or so. My Mom got it for me for Christmas when I was 16 or 17. She's always been the practical gift-giver. I have tried to read it several times- but somehow it never "hooked" me in. I supposed there was no keen interest in the subject.
This time around, I am reading it because I am looking for something specific, but got a lot more information than I thought I would. I have learned that I do not know anything about Repentance or forgiveness. If you ask my husband, I have a huge problem apologizing, and when I hear him say "i'm sorry" it means NOTHING to me. It's not surprising- I was parented by the most un-repentant, un-forgiving, and proud male on the east coast. I know a little about The love our Heavenly Father has for us. I have learned that I have recently been SO blinded by the ideals of society and the quest for political correctness. I found myself disagreeing with several "minor sins" that Spencer W Kimball specifically outlines in the book, and a couple of major ones. Not that I have been trying to justify myself (I haven't committed any major sins in my lifetime so far) but because my ideals have been changed and altered by what the world has made acceptable. It's not the first time I have disagreed with Spencer W Kimball- I think he might be the only one I have. What is interesting is that I'm RELATED to the guy...... Satan is a sly dog.
I know that I cannot be healed, and cannot progress in the repentance process and give myself to the Lord until I can forgive my Dad, and everyone else who has hurt me. I woke up from a dream one night, and had realized that the one person who has damaged me the most in my life- is the one I am the kindest to. I figured if I have a relationship with this person, I can work toward the same goals with the others.
This has been such a hard thing to even consider. My present is painful because of my past, but I know that this is something I need to do in order to become closer to my heavenly Father, and therefore become the Woman, the Mother and Wife that he would have me be. I am not very successful practicing my own philosophies, so it's my time to use the method that works.
I don't make my thoughts and inner feelings public because I look for pity, or fish for complements. I do this because I have nothing to hide, and maybe others can learn from my struggles and better their lives, too.