Holiday recap and other happenings

 Sometimes I hate Christmas.
 It was a special time for me as a kid, but after Emily died, my expectations were never met (not even talking gifts, here), and I was always disappointed. I was ripped away from the only family I knew, only to create traditions that I did not enjoy. This year I was EXCITED. Really excited to be around my husband's family and to enjoy my time with all of them for the first time ever. Christmas started out great. I skyped with my mom and She got to watch Paxton open his Christmas presents. All was going well until later that evening. John spent our gift money on me, so we were not able to get gifts for everyone. (Paxton did manage to get a gift for all his cousins, though. the dollar store is a wonderful thing) So I had this idea to write a letter to the whole family. My goal was to bring to light their strengths because sometimes I feel like I hear more negative things about them. So I shared some really private things about my life with them. Things I haven't shared with many people, and have chosen to keep private. My family is falling apart, and I wanted them to know I was grateful for the stability and the example they provided to me on how a family is supposed to work. I was sincere and poured out my heart- and I offended members of my family in the process.  And then I had an unwanted visitor. So let's just say, Christmas was a big let-down. And I feel like it always will be.

I try to make a resolution every new year, and it seems like I fail on them all in the first month.
I tried harder than ever to remember birthdays. I missed several, but I said happy birthday to more people this year than I have in 23 years. This year, I make none. No new year's resolutions. I'm just going to live this year with no expectations of myself. There are too many things being required of me. I release myself from resolutions.

good frigging riddance 2012. You pretty much sucked.

In other news, I'm 14 weeks pregnant. pretty sure this one is a girl. I'm barely showing, but I can feel it moving around. This baby is super chill. Good thing. We are going to need an easy baby this year. I remember paxton being really active from the beginning. I started feeling him super early- like 12 weeks- and the when the midwife found his heartbeat he kicked the doppler over and over. This baby's heartbeat took longer to find, and there were no kicks. I feel like I am poisoning the poor thing though. I can't seem to put effort into taking care of myself (pregnant or not) and I don't seem to feel happy about anything. It's really hard on me emotionally this time. in every other aspect, I am a blessed pregnant woman. I never throw up, and my nausea is manageable. If I had the kind of sickness almost every other woman has, I would probably not have any more kids. I guess I'm just that selfish.


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