December 21, 2013

Tying up "loose ends"

Warm baths and the end of the year seem to bring out the best in me.
I sat there in my tub, thinking about the things I'd like to change about myself in the new year.
Surprisingly, my weight was not one of them.

I pondered my life thus far, and if I knew i had the rest of this year to live, that i'd spend my time enjoying the mundane things of life, and to let go of my pride.

mainly, make apologies that I need to make. As I sit here typing, I am thinking of at least more people i need to address, and I hope this gets to all of them (some I am not in contact with). one thing I know about myself but others may not know, is that i have the darndest time with apologies. I cannot for the life of me make a half-assed one. It has to be sincere, in order for me to do it.
The hard thing about that is, i have to feel like i did something wrong in order to make it.
Unintentionally hurting some feelings is THE HARDEST thing to apologize for. And saying "i'm sorry you got your feelings hurt" is just a douche way of making a condescending remark seem like an apology. i don't fly like that.

So I got to start somewhere. here goes.


Remember that time when I was pregnant with paxton and really wanted to get a pedicure? You picked me up and drove me to get my toes done while you got your brows waxed, WAITED for me, and drove me home.

I selfishly and rudely sat in the back seat like you were my chauffeur, and didn’t really speak to you much.
This is one of the moments of my life that I look back on and go- “what were you thinking?”
I'm sure I could tell you why it happened that way, but none of it really matters.
It was really crappy of me, and I am so sorry.
You have continued to be so nice to me even though I haven’t been the nicest to you.


The same is for you too. You've never been rude or mean to me, and I’ve been a total bitch to you. But you still were as kind and warm as could be to me, even though I’m sure I've made you upset at times- or frustrated. I'm sorry I have treated you poorly.

Tiffany- let's just say that the only heated argument we've ever had was because I couldn't mind my own business. I am not normally so outspoken and bold (in person), but the stars were aligned that day and I took a private conversation between you and your parents TOO personally. I could give all my excuses, but the point is that it really shouldn't have happened, and I am sorry I butt in. You took the high road and apologized to me later, and I appreciated that. it's taken me over a year to admit out loud that I was wrong . I've made an apology to your Dad (whether he remembers it or not) but I'm sure there is still hurt feelings there. Being the one to hurt others is a new thing for me. I've commonly associated myself with being the victim.

Mom & Dad Meyers,

I never intentionally hurt your feelings. I am a different creature than what you are used to, and some of my behaviors may not be “normal” or approved of, but I have never purposely tried to make you upset.
I can't apologize for the things I do- only how they affect you. So I apologize for any instances that have hurt your feelings. There are probably more than what i am aware of.


I'm a hypocrite. You had every right to push me away and not talk to me for a while- because I do the exact same thing to people in order to re-establish boundaries.
I miss us. Those two goofy girls who laughed at things nobody else understood. Those girls who would stay up late playing their crappy guitars and singing duets in echo-y rooms because we loved the way our voices blended. I miss that, and I feel like I've royally screwed that up.

Our separation was really hard for me. I pretty much had to put my feelings inside a box, otherwise I'd crumble on a daily basis. My feelings were hurt, and I was angry at you, and I was ready to write you off. Being on the other side and doing the same thing to some of my friends opened my eyes to how harshly I judged you. It opened my eyes to the reality of how I affect people (it wasn't good) and how I should treat people. I'm sorry for calling you names, preaching, educating, judging, and bringing you down so hard that you could not physically be in the same room as me. Your friendship has been one of the most important in my life. You know me better than anyone else, and know how to make me laugh (even if we are just doing each others makeup) and I hope we can be that way again. I lost myself for a long time- thinking I was closer to finding myself. I was pretty far gone. Thanks for taking me back.


it's taken me a whole year to decide if I was going to bring this up.
I know I hurt your feelings pretty bad last Christmas with my STUPID letter. I should have realized that you were sensitive about that subject, and to wave it in front of a crowd was cruel of me. I will say that I was sincerely trying to take what others might see as a weakness, and turn it into something I appreciated about you. I've learned that praise has to be on the other person's terms, because you are the one receiving it. I am sorry that I humiliated you in front of our family. I am sorry I exposed you. I am so sorry that I hurt you.


There really isn’t anything I can say that could express my remorse. I have, in part, made an apology that I am confident in. However, I continue to reflect with shame over my conduct, and I would again like to apologize. If there is one thing I have learned from my experience is that I cannot let go of the people who are apologetic.


Contrary to what you might think, I do think about you guys quite often. Our Christmas in Portland will remain a highlight in our lives. I'd like to apologize for some stuff, All due to my lack of good communication skills,

We went to the temple and you babysat paxton for us, and due to a breakdown in communication, you got frustrated with me. You tried getting in touch with us and we were at the temple, while you thought we were at dinner, and we did not tell you our plans.

We didn't resolve that, and so it led to other things becoming bothersome, until eventually, we came home frustrated and upset, and you were not ready to talk things through.

I felt like I was being ignored and my efforts to preserve our friendship were being thrown under the bus, and I said some harsh things to you, that I know hurt your feelings. I could have simply waited til the next day and CALLED you and calmly hashed some things out, and we'd still probably be talking to each other. I'm sorry that my words have put 2 years of silence between us. I don't expect for a bridge to magically appear, but I don't want the last thing you remember of me to be a bitch.
I could have used better timing, words, methods.... anything. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to make this apology.

Jessica (Millet) Smith – In case anyone gets confused

I'm making a lot of apologies for my bad communication, and it's all started with the dissolution of our friendship. We went to the mall when you were pregnant with Eli, and John was stranded, and before I could think of an alternative plan, you got upset because I had assumed you would come to my rescue instead of asking. I hadn't quite decided what I was going to do, and my thinking out loud lead to some crappy conversations.

I'm sorry I made you feel used and manipulated. I'm sorry I used harsh words. I don't expect us to be buddies, but I want you to know that I see what problems I caused.


My Spam. Gosh, i don't know how we've grown so far apart. I made a rude comment in an attempt to be sarcastic on your facebook page after learning Danny was engaged, and I am sorry for that. I'm sure i haven't apologized for a lot of things i've done in the years we've known each other. 

Johnine, I'm sorry for responding with venom to your facebook message regarding the above rude comment on Sam's facebook page.

I'm sorry for being crappy and only talking to you on the phone to talk about Devan Waters once you had moved to Utah and i didn't get to see you everyday. I was insecure and you seemed to know more about him than I did, and I just wanted to talk to someone about it. it doesn't even matter now! I know him even less!

Shanna Waters- I'm apologizing to you for the same thing! it's actually really embarrassing, and I pretty much just want to erase that year of my life. You are amazing and I should have talked to you about John and opera for crying out loud!


I'm sorry for making a rude comment on YOUR facebook about parenting. I'm sorry for making your husband upset. I'm sorry for coming off  judgy and elitist.


I am so sorry That I got preachy about your relationship with Ant. instead of just being happy for you, I thought you could do way better and that you were being naive by waiting for him. I sucked as a friend. I used you as an excuse to go and see Aaron way more than i care to admit. You have been nothing but kind to me, and all i have done is be a tool.

probably the hardest apology i'll ever make, because you'll never read this. 
Man, i am so sorry I lead you on. I am sorry for being needy and codependent. I am sorry for dragging you into my drama. I'm sorry for hurting you every time i tried to dump you, and then would come back to you because I had nowhere else to go. I'm sorry for being moody and temperamental. You handled it so well. You were exactly what i needed. You were my best friend and confidant for a while there, and It makes me so sad that you're gone now, without knowing my gratitude for your place in my life. 


Dude, I'm sorry for wasting your time. 

If I think of more, I'll post them, but from now on, I plan to apologize sooner and in person where applicable.

August 20, 2013

All things testify of Christ

I've been spending a lot of time at home lately. a 4 week old baby has me stuck to the couch. As much as I hate to admit it, i watch a lot of netflix. We don't have cable, and we don't really watch regular tv. I normally don't follow any TV series unless I'm mega bored. I have the tendency to get hooked on a series if it's really good, and i'l watch an entire season in an entire day. It happened with grey's anatomy, the vampire diaries, how i met your mother, and.... i can't remember what others I've watched in it's entirety. This weekend My children and I were sick. Pax had a fever and i had a runny nose & sore throat, and the baby had been a little congested.  I got pretty sick of watching Phineas & ferb (paxton's new fave) and decided to start a new interest in a tv series. I tried pretty little liars for a few episodes, but eventually lost interest. I started New girl- which was really funny, but I also lost interest. Then i noticed the series called Once Upon a Time, and remembered my in-law's watching the season premier and watching the re-cap of the first season. So i hit play. I got hooked from the start- and i hooked john into it, too.

the story and plot of the show is so unique and insightful, and gives a more reality-based account of what might have happened in the lives of different storybook characters. there have been several things that I have enjoyed while watching this show. It all comes down to the plethora of gospel principles that are taught during each episode. Free agency, accountability, divine nature (knowing who we are) the atonement, repentance and forgiveness, honesty, the triumph of good over evil, and true, unconditional love- over and over again. This was the first series I've ever seen that had no sex in it. There was only true love. Such a refreshing and interesting concept compared to other tv shows when a couple will engage in sexual activity way before they even decide they love the person they are engaging with.

it sounds really cheesy, but i feel so edified, and i feel closer to my Father in Heaven after watching this series. I feel inspired and motivated to align my life with the truths of the gospel- and to even liken my life to the stories told in the show.

So i truly have a testimony that ALL things testify of Christ- and it's my goal and prayer that I will get to know Him better so i can continue to see His hand in more aspects of my daily life.

July 22, 2013

Redeeming birth: Emberlee's birth story

I have to get this out of my head now while it is still fresh in my memory.

I had been having contractions every day for a week, for only about 4 hours in the evening. They were not intense, but not Braxton hicks contractions, and each day that passed, the more intense and close together they were. Saturday night, a big storm rolled in and my contractions changed again. They got closer together, MUCH closer together and each one seemed to start off where the previous had peaked. I had about 10 contractions in about 30 minutes, so I let my midwife know I was in labor, and that I would call her when things got more intense. It was about 9pm that my contractions stopped, so I went to bed.

Sunday was pretty uneventful. I went to church and took the sacrament, but I just could not get comfortable and my back started to hurt pretty bad, so I had John take me home to rest right after the sacrament was passed. We had lunch with the family and hung out watching nacho liner and having fun. I started to get really uncomfortable and almost restless. My back was hurting again so I had John come and apply counter pressure and I got in the shower with some hot water and swayed my hips, which really helped. I felt much better and joined my family again. I was confused as to why I had not had any contractions at all that day. I was expecting to have another bought of them and then have the baby Monday. My family went to bed, and I got myself ready for bed and slept on the couch.

Midnight rolled around, and I couldn't fall into a deep sleep. My contractions started again and they were growing in intensity. I laid on the couch to reserve my energy and try to get some sleep, I figured it was a fluke and that they would stop soon. 1am rolled around and I knew I was in labor. I was running to the toilet a few times which I remember happening with Paxton. The contractions had become too much for me to try to sleep through, in intensity and in duration. I went and told John that I was in labor, asked for a priesthood blessing, and that I would come to him when I needed his help to get through my contractions. He gave me the blessing and went back to bed.

2am arrived and John got out of bed. I was still doing ok without him, and was actually afraid that these contractions were going to stop. I had gotten him excited and he was awake to just be with me. I had him get me a bowl of fruit and some water, and there came a point when I went ahead and asked him to clear the spot in our room for the birth tub and to double-make our bed ( our set of sheets, a plastic sheet/ water barrier, another fitted sheet on top). He happily did so as I continued to relax deeply through each contraction. I had no second thoughts or hesitations of fear. I had been praying fervently for peace, comfort, and to remove my fear, for the past few weeks in preparation for the birth. 

At about 2:45 I needed total silence during a contraction, and I would wait after the contraction ended to answer any of his questions or respond to his comments. Talking or making any kind of noise made me loose focus and would make the contraction more intense. 

It was at this point that I had John call our midwife, and I could hear in her voice that she was smiling. She was being equally as patient with this process as we were, and I was grateful to have chosen her as my midwife because she was genuinely excited and honored to take care of us. I continued to labor while we waited for our dynamic duo to arrive. I put on a nursing bra& a nightdress and labored in the living room mostly. Jen, our midwife, arrived at 3:15 and observed a few contractions and monitored Emberlee's heart rate during a contraction. Her apprentice, and my student midwife, Noelia arrived sometime around 3:30am due to some flash flooding in east mesa. She and Jen immediately set up the birth pool and all the other birth supplies. While they did so, I made the decision that I wanted to go for a walk. It was so beautiful outside- not even 80 degrees. A slight cool breeze, a full moon and sky full of stars were our companions. We walked six houses down from us. I would have a contraction every 50 feet or so, and I noticed that I would have 2 less intense contractions back-to-back, followed by a much more intense contraction a little later. John asked when I felt like I should go back , and I said I will wait until they get closer together. Almost mid sentence, I had another intense contraction and decided, yeah, I should probably get in the birth pool now. We headed back, and I did my best to walk through the 2 or 3 contractions that I had on the way. I went straight into the birth pool and relaxed. I started to worry that the water had slowed my labor, because I didn't have a contraction for a while. I took that time to quietly rest with my eyes closed, lounging in the warm water. Jen and Noelia excused themselves, and I asked John to offer a prayer. He offered a sweet sincere prayer to keep my heart and mind comforted, and I truly felt peace.

 I had a contraction and I could tell we were starting to get close. Each one peaked more intense than the next, and so I sat up and leaned on the edge of the pool to ease my back and hips a little. I asked John to bring Jen and Noelia into the space, because i felt like i needed their presence. I swayed my hips gently in the water, and I felt more and more pressure in my bottom with each contraction. At about 5:30 I remember saying that the contractions were really starting to suck, and that I was ready to be done. The only thing i could do to relax the rest of my body and endure the intensity was to moan deeply in the back of my throat. I had almost asked Jen to check my cervix to see if I could start pushing. I had been waiting for the urge to push to come, but I didn't want to endure more contractions . I waited anyway, remembering that my body had done this before, and everything had been beautiful already. It was maybe two contractions later that I felt her head enter the birth canal. I said " she's coming, John. Get in the pool please " he jumped right in and sat in front of me, rubbing my belly.
getting ready to meet her highness

I was kneeling, with my bum resting on my heels. I had contraction, and the urge to push took over. My body took over, and it was almost frightening how powerful my body was. The goal was to pace myself to allow all the tissues to stretch and ease the baby out. Instinctively I reached my hand down and applied pressure to my perineum because I felt like I had lost control of my body. The baby was coming, and I knew I needed to work through this part with as much patience and relaxation as the rest, no matter how uncomfortable it was. I re- adjusted my stance to a squat and stabilized myself using the edge of the pool.

in between pushes

Jen and Noelia coached and re-assured me to take it slow, to let baby stretch me out. I panted through a few more pushy contractions, and as her head began to stretch me, and my body became more and more powerful in delivering her, I started singing. It was the only thing I could do to keep her from bursting out and potentially ripping me in half. Every time my body would try to push her all the way out, I'd sing a line of " come thou fount of every blessing" and in between pushes, the words coming from my heart would comfort me. This was the most challenging part of birth, and it was almost over. I felt her head emerge, and I let her stretch me as I stroked her hair and continued to sing. I was singing for her, now. " prone to wander, lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, oh take and seal it, seal it for thu courts above." There were no more words to sing, and I heard Jen say, "with your next contraction, push your baby out". I gladly did so, and she tumbled out of my body and swam to John. He caught her and brought her up out of the water, and Jen removed the amniotic sac from her head and neck. 

She had meconium everywhere!! There was so much poop! ( meconium staining is common and not usually a problem if it has been aspirated, in some cases there is need for additional care, but even then it is nothing serious, and the prognosis is good) 

I looked over at John and he was crying. We were so overjoyed that I can't even remember the specific things that we said. I kissed John and he looked at me in a way I've never seen him look at me before. He was in love with our baby girl, and in love and in total awe of me and what he just witnessed. I opted to get out of the pool and lay on the bed ( I had 2 or 3 BM's in the pool when i was pushing that where scooped up right away, but still..... Not a place I wanted to hang out and enjoy the baby)
total peace

We laid on the bed, got Emberlee crying a good cry to get any poop out of her lungs, delivered my placenta and cut the cord. We spent some time on me because I felt like I was gonna faint, and I was passing a lot of small clots. My bleeding was fine. Upon further inspection, my bum needed no stitches! 

It was a redeeming, sacred, incredible birth, and I have learned more about my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ through this experience. And I will do this again with the rest of our children! 

May 13, 2013

Lessons learned

I did it. I officially withdrew from beauty school.

It's been a difficult decision, but I feel so much lighter. I've decided to eliminate the beauty world from my life. The beauty blog, my twitter account, the YouTube channel..... Everything.

I go through this re-assessment phase pretty often. Usually once a year.

While my lack of consistency and inability to see things through to the end really annoy me (& John. Probably more him than me) I walk away from this experience and all others, grateful and feeling enriched.

I have learned so much over the year. I have learned more about myself than I did about hair, skin,& nails .

1. I'm content with my weaknesses. I've stopped self-loathing because I couldn't seem to do anything right ( the things I thought I should be doing & good at) and now I just accept it because it makes me feel better about me.

2. I love everything about knowledge and learning. I'm a sponge and I am not content with dedicating my life to one subject. This is probably because I had the " same $h!t, different day" routine for most of my upbringing. I also learn really fast, and I love to be my own expert on everything. So long as I do the research, and base my opinions on the truth, I also love to share what I have learned.

3. I get bored quickly.
Cause I learn quickly, everything else that comes after the basics is just redundant.

4. I cannot stand monotony.
I thrive on change and new experiences. See # 2 for clarification.

5. I'm passionate about things based on truth. Notice I didn't say " facts" but truth. There is truth everywhere, and it makes me feel a deeper awareness and bond with my father in heaven. Life is a series of contradicting " facts" and linking the underlying truths make it easier for me to live.

6. It is not my goal in life to be what my husband wants me to be. It's my goal to be ME while complimenting him and his HIM-ness, and learning how to be one person. this is so much more challenging than I give it credit, because John and I are LITERALLY opposites, bound together by basically, only love. interestingly, we love each other for the same reasons.

7. I'm happiest when I feel free and productive. I like the ability of doing whatever I want. I still have to let go of the tendency to limit myself ( not enough money, takes too much time, too silly or frivolous , etc.)

8. I'm an analyzer and I like to think logically. Usually, this stresses me out, because I over-analyze when i cant organize emotions and logic, and create problems that are not there. So I'm logical and illogical at the same time.

9. I need creative abilities in order to have an outlet for all the emotions I feel at once
I was a very creative child. Drawing and painting and crafts brought me peace in a traumatizing environment.

10. I'm selfish in a way that motivation comes from me. I can't commit to anything for someone else, and I sure cant commit to anything to prove anyone wrong. None of that matters to me. Personal growth and improvement are my only motivators ( they used to be fear and approval). If I'm not true to myself, what good am I?

11. I prize sincerity and empathy above all.

March 18, 2013

25 weeks with Emberlee

I'm starting to warm up to the idea that I have another baby to push out in 3ish months. (25 weeks along right now). Parts of me are concerned, and all the rest just want to get it over with.
I guess hitting 25 weeks is magical, because this weekend and especially right now, I feel as uncomfortable as I was the last week of pregnancy with pax. Between varicose veins on my private parts and my relaxin- happy pubic bone and hips... I am in a lot of pain, and it is difficult to sit on the toilet to do what I gotta do. I am hoping an adjustment and some exercise will relieve some of the aching. But today, it's a little overwhelming. Pregnancy has always been hard on me emotionally.

Our food has been in coolers with ice since Thursday night. I went to the freezer to start preparing dinner, and everything had been completely defrosted. So we waited another hour or so to see if the door had been left open or if there was an actual problem. The fridge was still not cooling. We unplugg the fridge, and transfer all our food. So I make the call to our property manager to submit a work order first thing Friday morning, nobody shows up until Saturday afternoon, and in the meantime the fridge had been plugged back in, and had gotten nice and cold. The repair man sees that it is working, so we put all our food back, and I'm noticing the temperature plummeting on the thermostat as we are doing so, and not just the fridge side. So we call the repair man back, and he comes a few hours later, spends literally 5 minutes behind the fridge, and walks out the door, saying "it's fixed."
The fridge is still not working, and now there is a distinct buzzing noise that was not there before. I come home at about 10. I look at the fridge and I try to see if turning the thermostat down would do anything. Nothing. It's 11 pm and both John and I go to bed. I had a strange night, and I needed to be near John for some comfort. For over an hour, John and I could not fall asleep. I got up at 12:15 in the morning and told John that he could go play his video game if he still had trouble falling asleep, because I was going to go take a hot shower. He said he was going to just lay in bed and see. Little did I know that the Holy Ghost had been talking to him most of the evening. At some point he was told he needed to stay awake, and to stay in the bedroom. I was in the shower for about 15 minutes and I heard a really loud boom noise. It sounded as if John had tripped on a moving box in our bedroom and flew into the bathroom wall. It took a few seconds for the concern to dissapate, but then the smoke detector went off, and I leaped out of the shower. I opened the door to the bathroom and got a plume of smoke right into my face, as John walked toward me. "You need to get out of he house" he said " the compressor on the fridge just exploded, "
We closed Paxton's door and went into our bedroom. I dressed quickly, and pulled Paxton out of bed and took him outside. I held him in my arms as he slept while John opened all the windows and and doors and turned all the fans on high.

As John was laying in bed, he had still not fallen asleep. There was something keeping him from doing so and he didn't know what. He heard the loud boom, and knew exactly what had happened, and flew out of bed and straight for the fridge, and immediately unplugged it from the wall. The back of the fridge was very very hot, and the smoke had already begun to fill the house. I remember him saying " I had a feeling this might happen".

I am so grateful that John honors his priesthood and that he can hear and obey the promptings of the Holy Ghost. If he had fallen asleep, and had not unplugged the fridge as soon as he did, our house would have been up in flames in a matter of minutes. It was a scary realization that we were that close to loosing everything, and I have been sufficiently humbled in regards to questioning my husband's ability to not only be the head of our household, but to be the spiritual leader of our family. He took care of everything. He got me and Paxton outside and safe first, and then made the decision to find a place to stay for the night while the smoke cleared. He then put all our food in coolers again, gathered clothing and overnight supplies and locked up the house on his own while covering his nose and mouth with a tshirt.

We are very blessed people, and I am grateful to my Father in heaven for my life, my safety and my husband.

March 8, 2013

Eating Machine and a breakfast recipe

I cannot seem to stop eating at this stage in pregnancy. I'm just grateful I've avoided the 20 week kidney infection.

I like to make casseroles for breakfast lately. They are quick and are a fantastic way to incorporate fruit and veggies from the moment you wake up.

This morning I modified a recipe I found on Pinterest. It's a baked oatmeal casserole, and I turned it sugar and dairy free. Here is the base recipe :

Dry ingredients:
2 C oats
1/3 C coconut sugar ( or your fave sugar alt.)
1 t baking powder
1 t cinnamon

Wet ingredients :
1 egg
2 C coconut milk ( or your fave milk alt.)
3 T melted earth balance soy free spread ( you can also use coconut oil, but it solidifies the second it touches that cold milk and it defeats the purpose of melting it beforehand.
1t fave extract ( almond and vanilla are great, coconut would be yummy too)

Add in's:
You can put whatever you want in this casserole. Fresh or frozen fruit, nuts, dried fruit, sweet potato, or even peanut butter chips if you're feelin' sassy. Dude, you could even do a carrot cake -type casserole with grated carrots and ginger and stuff- that will be my next experiment.

Sprinkle dry mix into a greased 8x8 glass pan. Pour wet ingredients on top. Bake at 375 for 40 minutes.

Serve with pure maple syrup

February 5, 2013

Part of me

Most people who know me, know that I was raised in Florida.
I was born in Salt lake city, Utah and my parents moved me and my siblings to Tampa six months past my 1st birthday.

I get my share of homesickness when I realize how blessed my life was, just being there. And there are specific things I miss other than my crazy, Florida cracker family.

 I miss sitting under a giant oak tree and watching the spanish moss sway in the wind.

I miss the east-coast sunrises. it's like standing on the edge of the world and watching God create light for the first time.

I miss the constant noise. the bugs and birds and frogs join together in a chorus so loud it's practically deafening.

I miss the smell of the air before a thunderstorm. it smells like water straight from the hose, which for some reason is incredibly comforting.

I miss how far away everything is. I used to enjoy driving. Taking the back roads was more of a pleasure than taking the freeway. Everyday was a beautiful day. The time commuting gave me a lot of quality time with the radio and when I didn't feel like listening to music, I would think. I'd think about life, about Christ, my future, and the questions of the universe (like why we have eyebrows, and why men only have half of normal blood flow to their brain)

I miss the clouds. I used to lay in the grass and watch the clouds move and change shape, and try to find the face of God in them.

I miss my accent, and yeah it was slight, but it makes me sad that it only comes back when i get really angry.
I miss picking my own produce, and produce stands. It was so cheap.
 I miss tomatoes so good you could eat them like an apple.

I miss subs from Publix deli, sandals at beall's outlet, and the sweet barbeques sauce from sonny's barbeque. I miss beef o'brady's onion rings and car washes at bob evans. I miss the feeling of salty hair and sunkissed skin, and the smell of sunscreen and tanning oil after a day at the beach. it has some healing powers. I've never felt worse after a day at the beach, only sandier.

 I miss my grandmother. I miss her Green beans, and her ham salad sandwiches. There was always something to eat. I miss her red kitchen and her yellow den. I miss her collection of pig decor. I miss her gossip, and her piano playing. I miss her permed hair, and her apple green telephone with makeup all over it. I miss her butterfly garden and her tree swing. I miss the anthills and the piles of dead bark in her huge backyard. I miss her creepy garden shed and her ominous citrus tree. I miss the room full of porcelain dolls. I miss the tables full of scrap-booking supplies, and the view from her sewing room.

I miss people who take the time to listen. I miss going out on the boat.

I miss the slow pace.Time is just an illusion there.

 I miss the water. I miss the color green, and life flourishing around me.

I miss the genuine interest The elderly have towards young people, and vice versa.

I miss the stability. Everything remains the same. 

I miss this part of me.

January 18, 2013

My Big boy

I'm kind of mad that this new computer has nowhere for a memory card. Can't upload any pictures from my brand new camera.

Anyway, I haven't written down any of paxton's milestones since he was about 18 months, and seeing that he'll be 2 in 2 weeks, I've got some catching up I need to do.

The main thing that has exploded lately has been his vocabulary. he is really starting to communicate effectively. There are some times when i have to really think about what he is saying or asking for, and i just can't identify what it is. Today I discovered the main word that was majorly stumping me.
He used to say it over and over again, whine for it, scream it at the top of his lungs at the grocery store. The word is "puship" which apparently means fruit. "mee-as" means banana, and "busgh" means peanut butter. We are working on those. He'll say "chicken" if he wants any type of meat, and this morning he asked for sausage by name. He's putting words together in short sentences like " I found it!" "go night night?" and "take it". one of his favorite phrases is to announce "I farted!" any time he toots, or burps, or if anyone else burps. Normally i'll correct him and say, "no, you burped." and he'll smile back and say "burp".

He is learning to ask for things by combining words that he knows in the right order. This morning he asked me for a cookie, and for milk to dip it in, by saying "cookie? milk? dip!" and yesterday I was putting him down for a nap as Grandma was pulling homemade bread from the oven. i told him it was time to go night-night, and as I put him in his crib, he said as clear a s a bell, "GRANDMA FOOD! " and pointing out to the kitchen. I knew exactly what he wanted, and I took him back out for a slice of bread. he went down for a nap without a peep afterwards. Some of his other words are:
otis (the dog)
grandma (which he uses for both grandma and grandpa)
Daddy (sounds like dah-ee)
shoes (shoes and sushi sound a lot alike)
please (pees)
thank you (dit -doo)
Your welcome (woh-com)
I love you (eye-yew!)
George (for curious george)
huggie (hug)
get out ( he uses only when he's ready to be up for the day and wants out of our bedroom)
down (when he wants out of the crib, or out of his high chair)
all done
poopy (when he's got a stinky diaper)
All clean! (when the change is done)

i can't think of any more right now, but that's a lot of words for an almost two year old
He's up to a size 5 in diapers, and wearing size 24 months and some 2T clothes. he's getting really brave and this last Sunday he climbed up onto one of the tables in nursery and leaped off, stuck the landing, and said "I MADE IT!" at the top of his lungs with his hands in the air. then the rest of the kids started doing it, so I had to take the table down.

he will still sleep in bed with us, which is nice. Usually we only pull him in bed if he wakes up crying or I want to sleep in. he slept in bed with me for an entire HOUR longer than he has been in his crib. We will periodically have to move him, because he loves sleeping in the "H is for hell " position, where he is laying horizontally between john and I.  I was watching him sleep this morning and thought "how did my baby get so huge?"

I think I have done a good job of just enjoying him, and not being in a rush to  have him grow up. He is a fast learner like me, and an adventurous spirit like john. he keeps me busy but he is an absolute joy. I am still a little uneasy about having another one, just because I am so enjoying the stage Paxton is in. i know one thing for certain, this new baby is so chill. Pretty quiet and subdued. I'm almost positive this one is a girl.  I might be surprised, though. We'll find out in 2 ish weeks. I'm excited to see the positive changes this new baby will make in our family.