Tying up "loose ends"

Warm baths and the end of the year seem to bring out the best in me.
I sat there in my tub, thinking about the things I'd like to change about myself in the new year.
Surprisingly, my weight was not one of them.

I pondered my life thus far, and if I knew i had the rest of this year to live, that i'd spend my time enjoying the mundane things of life, and to let go of my pride.

mainly, make apologies that I need to make. As I sit here typing, I am thinking of at least more people i need to address, and I hope this gets to all of them (some I am not in contact with). one thing I know about myself but others may not know, is that i have the darndest time with apologies. I cannot for the life of me make a half-assed one. It has to be sincere, in order for me to do it.
The hard thing about that is, i have to feel like i did something wrong in order to make it.
Unintentionally hurting some feelings is THE HARDEST thing to apologize for. And saying "i'm sorry you got your feelings hurt" is just a douche way of making a condescending remark seem like an apology. i don't fly like that.

So I got to start somewhere. here goes.


Leila,

Remember that time when I was pregnant with paxton and really wanted to get a pedicure? You picked me up and drove me to get my toes done while you got your brows waxed, WAITED for me, and drove me home.

I selfishly and rudely sat in the back seat like you were my chauffeur, and didn’t really speak to you much.
This is one of the moments of my life that I look back on and go- “what were you thinking?”
I'm sure I could tell you why it happened that way, but none of it really matters.
It was really crappy of me, and I am so sorry.
You have continued to be so nice to me even though I haven’t been the nicest to you.

Chris,

The same is for you too. You've never been rude or mean to me, and I’ve been a total bitch to you. But you still were as kind and warm as could be to me, even though I’m sure I've made you upset at times- or frustrated. I'm sorry I have treated you poorly.

Tiffany- let's just say that the only heated argument we've ever had was because I couldn't mind my own business. I am not normally so outspoken and bold (in person), but the stars were aligned that day and I took a private conversation between you and your parents TOO personally. I could give all my excuses, but the point is that it really shouldn't have happened, and I am sorry I butt in. You took the high road and apologized to me later, and I appreciated that. it's taken me over a year to admit out loud that I was wrong . I've made an apology to your Dad (whether he remembers it or not) but I'm sure there is still hurt feelings there. Being the one to hurt others is a new thing for me. I've commonly associated myself with being the victim.

Mom & Dad Meyers,

I never intentionally hurt your feelings. I am a different creature than what you are used to, and some of my behaviors may not be “normal” or approved of, but I have never purposely tried to make you upset.
I can't apologize for the things I do- only how they affect you. So I apologize for any instances that have hurt your feelings. There are probably more than what i am aware of.

Kara,

I'm a hypocrite. You had every right to push me away and not talk to me for a while- because I do the exact same thing to people in order to re-establish boundaries.
I miss us. Those two goofy girls who laughed at things nobody else understood. Those girls who would stay up late playing their crappy guitars and singing duets in echo-y rooms because we loved the way our voices blended. I miss that, and I feel like I've royally screwed that up.

Our separation was really hard for me. I pretty much had to put my feelings inside a box, otherwise I'd crumble on a daily basis. My feelings were hurt, and I was angry at you, and I was ready to write you off. Being on the other side and doing the same thing to some of my friends opened my eyes to how harshly I judged you. It opened my eyes to the reality of how I affect people (it wasn't good) and how I should treat people. I'm sorry for calling you names, preaching, educating, judging, and bringing you down so hard that you could not physically be in the same room as me. Your friendship has been one of the most important in my life. You know me better than anyone else, and know how to make me laugh (even if we are just doing each others makeup) and I hope we can be that way again. I lost myself for a long time- thinking I was closer to finding myself. I was pretty far gone. Thanks for taking me back.

Kim-

it's taken me a whole year to decide if I was going to bring this up.
I know I hurt your feelings pretty bad last Christmas with my STUPID letter. I should have realized that you were sensitive about that subject, and to wave it in front of a crowd was cruel of me. I will say that I was sincerely trying to take what others might see as a weakness, and turn it into something I appreciated about you. I've learned that praise has to be on the other person's terms, because you are the one receiving it. I am sorry that I humiliated you in front of our family. I am sorry I exposed you. I am so sorry that I hurt you.


Nissa,

There really isn’t anything I can say that could express my remorse. I have, in part, made an apology that I am confident in. However, I continue to reflect with shame over my conduct, and I would again like to apologize. If there is one thing I have learned from my experience is that I cannot let go of the people who are apologetic.

Naomi,

Contrary to what you might think, I do think about you guys quite often. Our Christmas in Portland will remain a highlight in our lives. I'd like to apologize for some stuff, All due to my lack of good communication skills,

We went to the temple and you babysat paxton for us, and due to a breakdown in communication, you got frustrated with me. You tried getting in touch with us and we were at the temple, while you thought we were at dinner, and we did not tell you our plans.

We didn't resolve that, and so it led to other things becoming bothersome, until eventually, we came home frustrated and upset, and you were not ready to talk things through.

I felt like I was being ignored and my efforts to preserve our friendship were being thrown under the bus, and I said some harsh things to you, that I know hurt your feelings. I could have simply waited til the next day and CALLED you and calmly hashed some things out, and we'd still probably be talking to each other. I'm sorry that my words have put 2 years of silence between us. I don't expect for a bridge to magically appear, but I don't want the last thing you remember of me to be a bitch.
I could have used better timing, words, methods.... anything. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to make this apology.

Jessica (Millet) Smith – In case anyone gets confused

I'm making a lot of apologies for my bad communication, and it's all started with the dissolution of our friendship. We went to the mall when you were pregnant with Eli, and John was stranded, and before I could think of an alternative plan, you got upset because I had assumed you would come to my rescue instead of asking. I hadn't quite decided what I was going to do, and my thinking out loud lead to some crappy conversations.

I'm sorry I made you feel used and manipulated. I'm sorry I used harsh words. I don't expect us to be buddies, but I want you to know that I see what problems I caused.


Sam-

My Spam. Gosh, i don't know how we've grown so far apart. I made a rude comment in an attempt to be sarcastic on your facebook page after learning Danny was engaged, and I am sorry for that. I'm sure i haven't apologized for a lot of things i've done in the years we've known each other. 

Johnine, I'm sorry for responding with venom to your facebook message regarding the above rude comment on Sam's facebook page.

Josiedonn
I'm sorry for being crappy and only talking to you on the phone to talk about Devan Waters once you had moved to Utah and i didn't get to see you everyday. I was insecure and you seemed to know more about him than I did, and I just wanted to talk to someone about it. it doesn't even matter now! I know him even less!

Shanna Waters- I'm apologizing to you for the same thing! it's actually really embarrassing, and I pretty much just want to erase that year of my life. You are amazing and I should have talked to you about John and opera for crying out loud!

Britta-

I'm sorry for making a rude comment on YOUR facebook about parenting. I'm sorry for making your husband upset. I'm sorry for coming off  judgy and elitist.


Stephany 

I am so sorry That I got preachy about your relationship with Ant. instead of just being happy for you, I thought you could do way better and that you were being naive by waiting for him. I sucked as a friend. I used you as an excuse to go and see Aaron way more than i care to admit. You have been nothing but kind to me, and all i have done is be a tool.

Aaron,
probably the hardest apology i'll ever make, because you'll never read this. 
Man, i am so sorry I lead you on. I am sorry for being needy and codependent. I am sorry for dragging you into my drama. I'm sorry for hurting you every time i tried to dump you, and then would come back to you because I had nowhere else to go. I'm sorry for being moody and temperamental. You handled it so well. You were exactly what i needed. You were my best friend and confidant for a while there, and It makes me so sad that you're gone now, without knowing my gratitude for your place in my life. 

Devan,

Dude, I'm sorry for wasting your time. 




If I think of more, I'll post them, but from now on, I plan to apologize sooner and in person where applicable.





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