God, are you there?

Little manatee river, Wimamua FL

As long as I'm striving to be honest, I may as well get this out. Since leaving facebook, I doubt anyone comes around here, but I write for me.

the last 2 weeks or so have been really hard. John got hit with an illness that took over a week to recover from, and passed it on to me and Emberlee, which took another week for me to recover from.
Fevers, coughs, sinus pressure, sneezing.... it was awful. I wasn't sleeping which made it so much worse. I went into urgent care because tylenol wasn't reducing my fever effectively, so I got an antibiotic and felt better pretty quickly after that. I don't normally reduce fevers, but since I'm pregnant I really had no choice.

I'm so completely depleted. I've been laid up with a mysterious case of dizziness that has yet to go away nearly a week later. I went to the doctor thinking it was vertigo, but it's not. We still don't know why I'm dizzy in my sleep and sensitive to light. I've had these symptoms for what seems like a month and a half, trying to see what makes it go away- whether it's hydration, calories or rest. Some things helped better than others, but it always returns. Yesterday I had a bit of a breakthrough and slept without a pillow for the first time in a month, and I slept well. My eyes stopped moving when they were closed and it felt like I had blood flow to my head again. Weird business, and I do feel a slight decrease in my symptoms, but there is something else missing. I refuse to believe it's hormones and I have to live with this for the rest of my pregnancy (just over 3 months left) because it's madness. For someone who has been well and healthy all my life, It's miserable. I went to my naturopath because I was just so frustrated that I couldn't do anything to help myself. I was seriously dehydrated and had a UTI. So I'm taking another antibiotic. And drinking about a gallon of fluids a day. and force feeding myself again. I've lost quite a bit of weight. I'm the lighter at nearly 6 months pregnant than I was when I started out. I have trouble getting enough calories.

I feel a lot of guilt. I remember earnestly praying that John would get better  (day 3 of fever) so that I could have his happy self back, and saying sorry for everything I had done that I had not yet said sorry for. His fever broke that night. But I always seem to hesitate when it comes to the belief that God will answer our prayers if we repent. But maybe i don't know God as well as i thought I did. I look back at the months i spent trying to re-invent myself and making decisions from the grey areas in my head instead of the light in my heart. i was constantly conflicted but made decisions purely because it was outside of anything I had ever known. Did I feel uneasy because it was wrong or because it was unfamiliar? Well I've kind of screwed myself over on that one. If it's making you question between the two, it's probably wrong.

I feel like I have made a really big effort to try to come back to the things I used to associate with comfort and peace. I do the best i can to put everything about the church that bothers me on a shelf for later, and to just focus on the basic things that once brought me happiness. Focusing on the spirit I have felt when I am at Church.  Everything about my "past life" triggers me. The tarot cards I once loved, I can't be in the same room as them. All the clothes I bought I can't wear. Even the scents I surrounded myself in make me uneasy. The friendships I developed now make me uneasy. There is nothing wrong with the people and they live good, honest lives, but exposing myself to that content again is unsettling. Everything that used to soothe me and bring me peace, I cannot have around me. Again.

I have had many priesthood blessings and have tried to reach out to God and my husband and my mom and I still feel so alone. I can't relate to hardly anyone anymore. The absence of anxiety attacks tells me that SOMETHING i am doing is right. But i feel so lonely. I feel bad asking for help. I'm working with my therapist on that. Help is for people who can't pull themselves out, in my head.

I've prayed a lot for help lately, and still i feel like I haven't used my full heart or the right combination of words. Do i really believe that God has the power to heal me? I know of stories of miracles, but Am I worthy of those miracles?


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