Defeated and depleted/ It is well with my soul

Today was a much anticipated day for my appointment with an ENT.
I've jumped through hoops with my insurance company and met my patience threshold a number of times. I wasn't nervous, but felt comforted that this visit would give me answers and put me in the right direction.

It took less than thirty minutes for them to tell me that my symptoms were most likely a circulatory problem, and that they didn't want to put me through any tests at this stage of pregnancy if they didn't have to.

This is the second time I've been told that my symptoms would likely resolve after having this baby. SO my frustration and question is, do I waste any more mental energy with all these doctor's visits in my last weeks of pregnancy- just to be told I'll feel better after D day? Or do I take these last weeks enjoying the last weeks of my pregnancy with no worries and no fear of anything getting worse? I feel so defeated, and depleted.

I have a lot of fears, and none of them make any sense.

I fear that something will come back  on my echo that will mean I can no longer see my midwife or have a home birth.

I fear that something will come back on the echo that will mean I really CAN'T have any more babies.

I fear something will come back on the echo that will put me in surgery and in the care of doctors for the rest of my life.

I fear that NOTHING will come back on the heart monitor and that my symptoms will persist after delivery.

I fear that the ENT finds nothing and my last resort is to turn to Neurology.

and so on.

But here's why none of this makes sense:
I'm young and I've made AWESOME health-conscious choices for as long as I can remember, and have a pretty decent family history. Why would any of these things happen to me?

My anxiety is making this so much harder to deal with.

If I had everything go my way, I would wake up tomorrow with no symptoms, feeling totally healed, and KNOW I would never experience that dizziness again.

That is just the surface of my wants.

I've prayed a lot. I've prayed to be healed. I've prayed over every part and function and system in my body. I've begged and pleaded for comfort, healing and peace that I would receive those things. Saying, "Lord, I am doing my part by seeing these doctors and diligently following the protocols my doctors have given me, so Please heal me as I try to figure this out."
I've made restitution for my wrong doings. I've worn my garments daily. I've been taking the sacrament. I've been reading my scriptures. I've done what I can spiritually.

And my burden has been made significantly lighter as I waited for doctors to give their opinions. Now I feel heavy. And today has been an awesome  day in regards to my symptoms.

I feel like the reassurance I need can only come from God at this point. I'm trying hard to hear his voice. I just want SOMEONE to tell me- " You are going to be Just fine. this too shall pass, you are healthy and nothing is wrong with your body". And I've been trying to get that from God because I can't get it from anyone else.

I just want him to tell me "Tessa, I hear you. I know you are afraid. You are dizzy because you didn't take care of yourself for a very long time and it takes a while for you to be replenished as you grow another child. You are dizzy because you are pregnant and have a higher blood volume, and your sensitivity this time around just makes everything amplified. You don't have any heart problems. You don't have an inner-ear disorder. you don't have a brain tumor. you will still have your homebirth, and it will be your most magnificent one yet. and you will feel relief of these symptoms as soon as you hold your little pearl of great price in your arms."

I want to hear this from him more than I want to hear it from a doctor. in the meantime, I am trying to find peace and gratitude for what I enjoy right now, and I feel inspired to listen to a lot of hymns.

Right now I can't seem to stop listening to this song/video. I think the message comforts me more than the melody because it hits the perspective I am trying to adopt on the head.

  1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well with my soul. 
  2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
    Let this blest assurance control,
    That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
    And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
  3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
    My sin, not in part but the whole,
    Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
    Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
  4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
    If Jordan above me shall roll,
    No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
    Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
  5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
    The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
    Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
    Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
  6. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
    The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
    The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
    Even so, it is well with my soul.

I long for this peace, where this angst, this never ending chaos will no longer have me in it's grasp, but I know I am learning lessons intended for me at this time, and I will endure this dizziness for the rest of my pregnancy and go to the doctor's appointments and figure this out within my power if that is what he wants me to do. And I know that in the meantime, it is well with my soul.


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