As I look back at my last 2 journal entries, and the last two posts on this blog, I am humbled and grateful and overcome with emotion.
Things were really bad.
As I have sought help, I have wondered if I am getting better- and today I got another witness that not only am I getting better, but God hears my prayers and loves me. The despair I felt on a constant basis is gone. While I do get overwhelmed often and get frustrated and wound up- I'm still alive. I haven't spiraled downward. I've come back to the surface for air after being underwater for a moment, forgetting how to swim. And at times it does feel like I'm drowning. pumping my arms and legs in desperation to help myself survive, but can only be rescued due to the overpowering circumstances around me. Christ is there, pulling me out of the waves and telling me to have more faith, knowing I'll start to drown again when I let go of his arm, but I know he'll be there to pull me out every time I try and fail.
But I'm coming up for air.
The dizziness has been overwhelming. I have spent a lot of time considering what may be wrong as I go to different doctors, and I've spend a lot of time being afraid. But I have prayed fervently to be healed and to figure out what is causing this dizziness. Saturday I had an even bigger breakthrough about it, and It think it may get me the relief I need, but I could very well have this dizziness for the rest of my pregnancy. While I havent been healed, this burden has been made a lot lighter, and I am grateful to God for even considering that.
As I have sought repentance and a relationship with God, I have seen His hand in the details of my life on enough of a consistent basis to know he's there. He hears not just my prayers- but also my thoughts, and knows my heart. Sometimes I don't even have to ask for something that I want or need and I receive it in a small and simple way. I know this dizziness is something simple to be remedied. I was afraid it was serious, but I have been comforted that this is just one of those things about life that I will eventually overcome by following the right instructions. I see an OB for the first time on Wednesday, hoping that I can get further help there.
I'm grateful for the clarity of thought and the humility that has taken place in my heart enough to recognize these things. I'm grateful for the Grace and Mercy that is being given to me on a daily basis. I feel the prayers of others buoying me up.
I'm just full of gratitude. A feeling I haven't had in a long time.