Showing posts from July, 2015

get happy

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last few days have been exceptionally hard. My anxiety has relapsed enough to where I feel no control anymore.

It isn't facebook.
it isn't my diet.
it isn't my sleep.

I just want to be happy.

I had a reminder of what happiness is while browsing the photos and videos of my children on facebook. I knew I wasn't as anxious then, but I didn't feel happy. I rarely felt happy. My "normal" is content and that is unacceptable. my normal is just surviving, and it's sad that it has taken me so long to realize that "normal" isn't what god wants for me. I look back at those videos of my sweet two-year old paxton and wonder why I have  spent so much time be…

My conversion story Part 3: Justification

The universal "cosmological" aka metaphysical doctrines of the Church really piqued my interest, and lead me to a crusade to find more details about the spirit world, the nature of god, and my role as a woman in a physical body. I read a few books by LDS authors that lead me to looking into other belief systems, to see just how many of them reiterated the same ideas. There are a lot of systems and faiths that teach things synonymous to the Church.

The law of attraction, energy healing, and the more "woo-woo" concepts in the natural/ alternative community lead me down a rabbit hole that I was eager to enter. I figured if  I approached the material from a Christ-like perspective, and it felt good, then I was ok to continue learning about it.

I dove head-first into witchcraft
 The things I started learning were the same things that I learned at church. I justified this path before I even decided to leave the church, by thinking that I didn't have to practice any…

My conversion story part 2: Anger

John and I really only had one thing in common when we first started talking in a romantic setting, and that was how much we loved God. 

I met John when I was 16 and he was a new missionary in my hometown.
He was good-natured and always happy, and there was a humility about him that none of the other Elders I had encountered seemed to posses. He seemed to radiate with love and gratitude for life and for the opportunity to be on his mission and serve the lord. But I was not physically attracted to him and my mind was otherwise occupied with someone else.

So, when he returned home from his mission, I was in the midst of my newly-independent phase, and would ask him via facebook what his particular insights were about some of my struggles when I was really low.  I always felt comfort in the things he would say, and the spirit said, "you know, this is the kind of man you need to marry" and it went from there. I got the courage to tell him just that, even though I knew the outcom…


I've been back on Facebook for less than a week, and I have felt the anxiety begin to re-emerge.
I'm a little bitter that I have to be on facebook in order for anyone to really be in touch with me. I enjoy connecting with people a lot, and it's depressing that I don't have more people to call.

But there is so much fear-mongering and information on my news feed, that it upsets me- and I don't even know it. I didn't notice anything until last night, when I had a random anxiety episode despite being surrounded by people I really love spending time with; and it continued into this morning after watching a video of a woman giving birth in the car, and it really disturbing me. I felt so good all week last week. so free.  I can't stand this anxiety.

It's a lot harder for me to remember how far I have come
It's a lot harder to take care of myself.
It's a lot harder to be happy with my children, and to be patient with them. I was yelling at them as soon…

My conversion story: part 1 - Origins

There are 2 ways to be introduced to the Mormon Church. 
One is to be born and raised in it, and the other is investigating with lessons from the missionaries. Either way, baptism is required for membership. We call those who have investigated with the missionaries "converts", but there is a saying that everyone in the church is a convert; it just depends when the conversion happens. When you grow up in the church, you can be baptized at the age of 8, but being so young, your "conversion" may not happen until later.
My experience was unique. I was born and raised in the church. My direct line of ancestry was intimately  involved in the foundation of it, and so I am considered a Multi-generational mormon. The pioneers (the converts) in my family being Newel K and Elizabeth Whitney on my mother's side- My great-great-great-great grandparents.

The church was everything  in our lives growing up.
It dictated every thought, action, and word that we lived by. We weren&…

The tattooed Mormon

I can't remember what lead me to follow Al Carraway on instagram, but I found myself  drawn to her because of her pre-church lifestyle. (I've always been a sucker for tattoos- so many stories behind them) I am finding that the stories of "converts" really help my own testimony, and they feel reassuring to me that I'm not just returning to church because it's what I'm used to (even though that was my original motivation).

She posted that she was speaking in mesa, and I felt like I should go. 
And I got opposition  every step of the way.

 I knew if I wanted to go, I wanted to go alone.
I knew that involved asking John to watch the kids, and to take the vehicle with the good air conditioning (the one with both carseats installed).

So from 9am to 4pm, I went back and forth on whether or not to talk to John about it, because that was my first step in making my decision more concrete.

 It felt as if I was wrestling with myself.
And so, I kept making up reasons…

All is well

Normally I like to keep these updates about a week apart, but I have had a few things happen that I  really wanted to share.

First of all, my dizziness symptoms have seemed to disappear. The last few days have been really nice and yesterday I felt 100% normal. Every once in a while I will feel a bit off-balance, but I can usually correct it quickly. I have not felt this good in months.

I've re-incorporated gluten, dairy and sugar in moderation back into my diet with success. Grilled cheese sandwiches never tasted so darn good. I've gained 16 pounds in the last 4 weeks or so, which is a small triumph for me. It's a great indication that I am eating enough, which has been a huge struggle this pregnancy.

I met with my cardiologist and went over the results from my echo and 48 hour holter monitor, and basically everything came back on the range of normal. No holes, no enlarged heart, and a strong heart at that. He did say I have a tiny leak in one of my valves, but that is so …


Today I have a follow-up with my cardiologist. I had an echo done about a weekish ago and had to wear a heart monitor for 48 hours to see if my heart arrhythmia was contributing or causing the dizziness.

I dropped the monitor off a week ago and had not heard anything from them until Friday when they called to confirm an appointment that I didn't set up. It made me pretty upset, and I don't know what was more upsetting- the lack of communication and keeping me informed, or the fact I needed a follow-up. I guess I didn't know what to expect, and within a matter of seconds the world was on my shoulders.

I was overcome with fear and worry. So I did what I've done a lot lately, and got on my knees and prayed. And it was like magic. For the first time in months, I experience comfort that things are okay within a matter of minutes after. I just wasn't worried about it. What a sweet release.

I sit here typing today, anticipating the appointment in a few hours, and a little…