Today I have a follow-up with my cardiologist. I had an echo done about a weekish ago and had to wear a heart monitor for 48 hours to see if my heart arrhythmia was contributing or causing the dizziness.
I dropped the monitor off a week ago and had not heard anything from them until Friday when they called to confirm an appointment that I didn't set up. It made me pretty upset, and I don't know what was more upsetting- the lack of communication and keeping me informed, or the fact I needed a follow-up. I guess I didn't know what to expect, and within a matter of seconds the world was on my shoulders.
I was overcome with fear and worry. So I did what I've done a lot lately, and got on my knees and prayed. And it was like magic. For the first time in months, I experience comfort that things are okay within a matter of minutes after. I just wasn't worried about it. What a sweet release.
I sit here typing today, anticipating the appointment in a few hours, and a little agitated from the experiences of the day so far; but not worrying about it.
The last week or so, I've had a release of worry. Those fears I have- I can still get through them if they happen, even though it's not ideal. I've handed my cares over to the Lord, knowing that he will carry them and me through whatever it is I trudge through.
if I have to switch prenatal care providers and surrender my home birth; it's not ideal, but I'm not afraid. I can do it.
If I have to (heaven forbid) have surgery, I'll be afraid but I can still overcome it. my life will go on.
Thing is, neither of these scenarios feels like it will happen, and so I am just not that worried about it.
Because I think I've nailed down the dizziness triggers, and so far I've consistently been able to track and relieve the dizziness either before, or as it starts.
I think the reason it's taken me this long to figure it out is because I have been bogged with worry and fear and impatience, instead of slowing down and paying attention to my body. There is no place for peace when you are consumed by fear. I feel the peace and I am almost positive I've finally got this figured out.
I am 30 weeks pregnant this week, and I have never been more excited to meet one of my babies.
mini-rant : There are over a million words in the english language, and CHILL is one that I have come to find irritating. What is comforting or reassuring about being told to Chill? nothing.