get happy

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The last few days have been exceptionally hard. My anxiety has relapsed enough to where I feel no control anymore.

It isn't facebook.
it isn't my diet.
it isn't my sleep.

I just want to be happy.

I had a reminder of what happiness is while browsing the photos and videos of my children on facebook. I knew I wasn't as anxious then, but I didn't feel happy. I rarely felt happy. My "normal" is content and that is unacceptable. my normal is just surviving, and it's sad that it has taken me so long to realize that "normal" isn't what god wants for me. I look back at those videos of my sweet two-year old paxton and wonder why I have  spent so much time being ungrateful. I just don't  understand how I have been given such a good life and it takes hitting rock bottom to get the memo.

I feel overwhelmed. between paxton pushing the limits of my patience literally every moment, emberlee needing to be held more than usual, my body in constant pain, the house a wreck, the finances begging for mercy, and John and I still struggling in our marriage is  just too much.  And yet, when people ask how they can help, I have no idea what to tell them.

They can't raise my children for me
they can't take my body pain away
they can't always pick up after me
they can't put money in my bank account
they can't mediate the way I communicate with John.

...

I screamed at paxton today.
 like I have never done, ever. the kind of scream people do in their pillow when they are exploding with anger. I just lost it, and I felt guilty immediately after. It didn't sound like me. It wasn't me. Who is this woman in the mirror? I'm lost and feel alone all the time. I feel helpless a lot too. I should probably tell my midwife that.

I feel distant from god right now too, but that is my own fault.

 just want to be that woman in the photos.  the one snuggling her children. the one patient with the heartaches life has given her, instead of feeling like god is just a bully. The woman humble enough to realize that this is not the end of the world, it's just a rough patch that gives me practice to overcome whatever may be next.

tomorrow needs to be better. It has to be better. 



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