My conversion story part 4: The pit of despair

Even though I had tons of "support" in my new beliefs, my reality was so frustrating, I was trying constantly to escape it.

I am still really tender and healing from this time in my life.

I was feeling absolutely out of my mind. I knew what was right in my heart, and somehow the disconnect between John and I became a canyon of distance, despite our efforts to build a bridge.
He was convinced I was experiencing a mental illness, and the trend in our marriage has been that I can't seem to articulate my feelings or defend myself successfully and so I just stonewall.

I came to really resent John more than I ever had, because I felt like he had no place to judge me. He wouldn't listen to me and what was on my heart without criticizing me or dismissing me. I'd like to say that it was all because I told him I wanted to be a witch, but this was a common exchange throughout our marriage. He was convinced that I had evil intentions in my heart and that I would hurt our children, and when you call yourself a witch and are married to a Christian, you cannot convince them otherwise no matter how much they should know you.

I was constantly trying to hide that part of my life and keep it to myself as requested but it seemed to only make things worse. I couldn't stand how I was being treated, and how I had been treated throughout our marriage. I was convinced I deserved better- and there were times when I did.

We were falling apart. There was no trust. I asked for a divorce and his only response was " a divorce isn't going to make you happy. it's not going to fix anything" which I took as being completely ignored. Nothing got better. And then it would get better briefly just as a means of survival.

I went to Florida for a month, over Christmas break.
3 weeks without John was paradise. I cannot begin to express how nice it was to be free from those feelings of constant judgement and belittling like I was an enemy set out to destroy our family- when all I needed was unconditional love and patience and to be left alone to figure things out for myself. I still get angry when I think about all the hurtful things and words and feelings during that time.

When I say I made mistakes, I mean I did things that even my inactive siblings raised an eyebrow about. Mainly being that I had initiated inappropriate conversations with two different men online; one of which I met up with in person while in Florida. I made decisions purposely  because it felt wrong. We met in a public place, and I never touched him aside from a brief hug, and I remained faithful to John. After saying goodbye to this guy, I just broke down crying. In the car, driving home at 11pm with tears streaming down my face. I felt so many different things. I was on fire with anger. I was confused. I was so,so sad. All in a matter of seconds. I spent so much time talking to this person and developing feelings for them that were based on a completely false reality, it made me sick to my stomach.  What had I just done? What was I hoping would happen?

I broke contact because basically, I was tired of lowering my standards to accommodate a fantasy about this guy. Other than his appearance, there was nothing desirable about him.

I made other mistakes that were more just a bad judgment call, that I have made restitution for and talked with my bishop about.

I tried alcohol and marijuana for the first time. Even though I had no issues at the time with the use of either, it just did not appeal to me other than fitting in with everyone else. I had every intention to get used to the taste and smell of both substances when I got home.

John came to Florida and after my initial excitement to see him, we fought or were licking our wounds nearly the whole time. Our anniversary was awful. I tried so hard to be a good sport and to be happy about spending time with him, but it seemed like all he was trying to do was pick a fight. So I faked a smile and pushed through the 24 hours alone with just he and I, and tried with my might to just be happy. And I had little glimmers of that, but it wasn't enough to make me fall in love with him all over again.

We fought all the way home to Arizona, and were desperate to get our feet underneath us so that we could start thriving together, but things got more intense. I started talking to guy #2 and eventually felt safe enough to share details about my relationship with John. It was a different experience from the first, because this guy had his life together in comparison. It wasn't long before I had started hoping that these conversations would be the seed to a deeper relationship if I went through with a divorce.


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