It was two weeks after coming home that I just couldn't do it anymore. I told john I wanted a divorce. I didn't think I could survive the wait for things to get better. My beliefs were on the back burner and I wasn't practicing anything that resembled worship to God.
I had been feeling really strange, and looking at my calendar, felt total despair as I realized I needed to take a pregnancy test- hoping it was negative. It happened that it was very positive, and Trying to keep myself from a total meltdown at the thought of raising three children as a single mom; I decided to reconcile and really try to work on things with John. I knew I couldn't do this alone, and I was so afraid that if I sought a divorce, I would be left hanging out to dry.
I was so far from the light.
I was trying hard to fight it, but I was immersed in darkness. thoughts about abortion, hoping for miscarriage, resentment, taking my own life- consumed my life for days upon days. We were meeting with our marriage counselor weekly and it just wasn't working.
I couldn't communicate anything. My hopes and dreams, nor my fears. I couldn't even ask for a drink of water. I didn't know what I needed because I constantly ignored it. When I finally had the courage to speak up, I got ignored.
I finally reached my breaking point when I had my first panic attack, and knowing John was the trigger, I couldn't let myself be around him during my pregnancy. So in my lack of connection to the lord, and not seeing that John was trying to help me, I asked him to leave.
Well, he never made it past packing his stuff, because I had a long conversation with god for the first time in a long time. He told me to let my heart take over because my head wasn't getting it right. If i was supposed to be a good "witch" then I was supposed to do all things out of love, and let it be my guide. The truth was, I was consumed with fear. And there was no room for love when I was constantly afraid.
I had another panic attack and struggled with depression even though John and I were making some headway in our relationship and were surprisingly stable. I didn't know how to help myself. I didn't know what comforted me. I couldn't feel peace.
I was desperate. I would do whatever it took to feel comforted and off the cliff of anxiety, even if that meant going to church because it was familiar. So I got the go-ahead from my bishop to wear my garments again as an experiment to see if it helped with managing my anxiety. I changed midwives because the office location was familiar. if I couldn't be comforted, I could at least start with surrounding myself with things that were familiar.