Today I've gotten up, put on clothes, put on makeup, had a protein shake, eggs and bacon; and I am already wanting to take a nap. The exhaustion is overpowering and I wonder how I get anything done at all. With almost 5 weeks remaining in this pregnancy, I am not sure how I am going to make it to delivery day without either being in pain and injuring myself, or up to my eyeballs in unfinished projects and housework. As I type this, Emberlee has climbed onto the dining table and is tap-dancing in milk that she has dumped from her cup .
I had my home visit with the midwives last night. It was a wonderful reunion with my midwife Crystal, and my previous Midwife Jen, who will be attending my birth as an assistant. I still can't believe I am so close to delivery. This pregnancy has seemed to drag on through the first and second trimesters, but now that it's nearly go time, I can't seem to stay on top of all my tasks, and I am slightly freaking out about the process of getting this baby out.
It doesn't matter how many times I have done this, or how amazing the experience is each time; I seem to be filled with a lot of fear. I'm working on that. I keep reminding myself that I while I may be alone in my physical sensations, and those cannot be taken from me (by choice) I will have more beings in my presence to aid me, more than on daily basis. I've had angels minister to me during my births, and I know they will tend to me again and again.
I feel this pull towards groups of women who have done this before. over and over. Like I did with Emberlee. I crave female companionship, and not in a lesbian or sister-wife way, but more like having Many hands to hold me and witness me in this time of my life. A thousand voices to reassure me. like my own little private counsel of "elders" if you will. I sought after this once before and it lead me down a path that was dark, because I sought the wrong people.
I'm trying again, and I feel like I have identified the right ones this time.
I am just so tired of feeling alone.