I may have said this before, but it doesn't matter how many statistics I know, or how well I prepare my body- or even the fact I've done this smoothly twice before; but I still have fears around having babies. This is my third pregnancy, and my midwife calls me a "seasoned professional" at natural childbirth, but I feel like I am on total recall. This feels like my first time. I have so many questions and concerns, and every bump and click and pain I feel puts me in a state of concern.
This pregnancy has had a lot of trauma for me, with my marriage nearly ending and with unexplained health concerns coming up along the way. Having the baby on the outside brings a whole knew list of challenges and struggles that I will possibly have to handle, and I just fear the transition will be unmanageable on my own. I fear that the state my body was in at the time of conception, and through this pregnancy will negatively affect my outcome. I fear that the state of my emotions during this pregnancy will negatively effect this baby in the long-term. I have felt pretty far from the light the last few weeks. I feel so much better, but I am still struggling against powers unseen on a minute by minute basis. Satan is real, and he hates my guts.
But, I have to give this over to God. There is nothing I can do but hope and pray, and beg that I get what I want; That I am blessed with the righteous desires of my heart. And yes, I do think having a smooth home birth is a righteous desire, and yes, I think it's okay for me to ask for what I want In this instance.
I was sitting and thinking about how to get "in the zone" and stop being so afraid this morning, and I had a really comforting and overpowering thought that my Father in heaven will make this birth a moment of triumph for me. Those words, exactly. "this birth will be your moment of triumph."
Triumph specifically means I get to win. This birth will be the opportunity to tell satan that he doesn't get to win, I do. I won the prize at the end. I get to reign victorious.
I cling to that vision of me, baby in arms, on fire with the spirit as my refining process during this pregnancy is seen to it's end.
That is what gets me unafraid.